homecoming

yesterday night i helped justin ask holly to homcecoming and helped andy kwong ask connie to homecoming. i helped my two best friends ask their dates to homecoming. it was a lot of fun. it went really well and it all turned out great! except mine. i asked someone to homecoming but they already had a date....im so sad. HAHA but its okay.

right now...i really wish God was back in my life. I miss the feeling of having him around.

I want to go to every dance this year! im a senior and im gonna be gone soon....so i wanna make everything count!

i wish i was a better person.

i wish

i honestly dont know what im going to do with my future. i feel like no one believes in me. i feel like i have no motive. i feel like i have no talents and no skillz. i wish i could be successful. i wish i could make my family. i wish my family didnt have so many problems. i wish i could talk to every person in the world about God and they would get saved. i wish girls didnt exist so i could focus on God. i wish i didnt have so many weaknesses. i wish i was perfect. i wish i wouldnt have to be sad. i wish i could be a better person, a better brother, a better son, a better teacher, a better example, a better friend, and a better leader. i wish God would tell me what i need to do.

hannah, look i love you. i jsut wish you would stop yelling at me for once. u do the most for the family. but i need you to do one more thing for me...just encourage me. i cant stand it. no one believes in me. i have looked up to you my entire life. when you look down on me like this, it makes me not want to move forward. and stop saying youre an evil person. im okay if you say im evil...but you are not. youre such a good person and sister. i aspire to be you. you make me who i am. be happy sister.you got no idea what it means to me when you take your time to make sure there food on the table, to make sure i have all my needs. you make life bearable and possible. i wish i could tell you how much i loved you...but you wouldnt believe me. to you...im just a selfish, fat, and annoying kid that will go no where in life. i kno you dont really think that way of me...but honstly thats how i feel. im not perefect...i know that....i dont need you to tell me everyday. just let me tell you that you are perfect. you never believe me. all because im younger doesnt mean i dont understand nothing.

have faith in God hannah. stop worrying so much. God will take care of you. he loves you so much....if anything...thats what mom and dad want you to know the most. God is our provider...he gives us strength. he gives you strength. u will be successful hannah. im sure of it....youre a YOUNG. that means you are guarunteed to always be loved and to always be prosperous. im propsperous cuz God gave me you...i love you hannah. i just hope you know that. give me some time..im still learning. im lazy and selfish....I only wish i was perfect like you. i wish you knew i love you. i wish you knew Jesus loves you. I wish you would be happy, cuz thats why im so sad all the time. i hate seeing you sad. i dont care about girls hannah...so you dont gotta scare off all the girls i like anymore. youre the only girl i care about right now. you are that important to me. just make a wish. pray. God will answer you every prayer.

theres more to it

so i came back from the dance just now....it was great. justin was pretty bummed and he didnt wanna go to the dance. but i knew it was just what he needed. so i tricked him to going. i was like doode...senas going to the dance! i wanna go now! haha will u go with me? he was like...fine. HAHA we hung out with michael wu like right after school and he wasnt too happy or energetic. but he went. i went for two reasons...for justin and for sena. i went to the dance and i didnt freak at all. i didnt even dance at all. not even slow dance. but its okay..i got in for free anyways. HAHA so its all good. im sad i didnt get to dance with sena though...i just wanted one dance...but i jsut couldnt ask her. shes a really sweet girl...and shes really great. but man...she can get any guy she wants. i know im last on her list. so i gotta move on you know? like if you like someone...then you dont tell them you like them...u show them right? i have been showing that....but i guess it gets lost in translation. im okay though. my heart hurts...but i feel really happy for some reason. man i hate that feeling when you jsut really like someone and they just dont like you back and they do not even acknoledge you are there. its the worst. HAHAHA i have finally moved on from kimmy. but doode....girls just dont like me....HAHAHAHAHAHa it makes me laugh cuz im surprised i care so much. idk i never cared much about girls anyways. im more of the type of guy who wants to be a gentle man and treat the girl right. but now a days....it about whether or not youre good in bed or if you drink and do all this stuff that i jsut cant stand. man. ppl can be better. theres temptaion and bad things out there to show us that we can be better people. we can always make a good decision. i cant stand it....theres so much good in people...why do i feel like im the only who sees that!? its driving me nuts. why do we gotta judge ppl? man. i wish i could just help everyone. but ppl dont wanna listen to a guy like me.one day...i want to become an important man. an important person with power. i wanna help everyone. im sick and tired of this. we can all be better. God made us better then this. we choose to be like this. but we can be better......we have every right to be better then sttling for the least. youre given free will not to do what ever you want but so you can choose to make the right choice....

but man..i think about sena soo much. it sucks....idk. i think i need to move on. shes out of my league. im a nobody. God says if you want to be first, then you must first be last. here i am...last. and im okay with it. will i ever be first? HHA I love God...i love my family. thats all i got an thats all i need.

family

my entire family came home!!!! its my dads bday monday but since we got school we are gonna celebrate it saturday. its been pretty crazy at home....lots of fighting, yelling, and laughter. but thats why i love family. last week sunday we had soooo many people come to church!!! holly matsunami came and i think she liked the church a lot. i think shes coming every week for on now. jackies gonna come next week too. im glad their are new faces at church. justin is having a great time at my place since he moved in. some residential problems made ROTB very difficult for justin but i worked it out with the help of my moms friends. so many crazy things have happened. ever since justin has moved in, i feel a lot happier. he and i shop together, eat together, sleep together, and laugh together. being roomates with your best friend in highschool!?!?! DREAM COME TRUE. hes such a great friend. he helps me and i help him. we bought a whole bunch of clothes so we can match. rigth when summer got good.....lol now its the end. but its okay.i got senior year....im excited. im gonna hate saying goodbye to all the underclassmen...

anywho. my dads bday is tomorrow. im really excited. we are gonna make a video for him with everyone in the family in the video. we have some technical issues but its all good.

my family....drives me nuts....like i can not explain what its like to live with my family. you would not last....LOLOL by the grace of God i am still alive. i have finally reignited the flame between God and i. it died out back in late Feb. to early march. now its here again and its here to stay. God has cleansed me...and i feel great. the best thing of all is that my best friend justin is finally stepping on the path to follow christ. that was my initial goal...i wanna see my best buddy in heaven when i die. lets hope that i get there. hahaha i listen to christian music with him and we go to christian events. usually people spend their time during soummer to go out and hang out with friends or study....but not me. i spent the rest of my summer helping my best friend move in and cleaning and washing cars every week with my uncle and getting in fights with my sibs and finding God once again in my life. he is the reason for my happiness after all...im so glad i found it. i can finally move on....

i havent blogged in a while....but why do you need blogs? all they do is prevent communication between someone else. things i write in blogs, i want to share with someone i truly care about. but its nice saving up all the memories. im glad i have 10 siblings. im glad my life is pretty much hell. im glad my parents are bankrupt. im glad my family has no money. im glad because God has told me to be glad. theres no reason to be sad. this is the day the LORD hath made, i will rejoice and be glad in it. God will provide...i say that to myself everyday. the most important thing is that justin never finds out that we got no money...if he finds that out then hes gonna move out. thats what makes him such a good friend. hes always looking out for me. and im always looking out for him. he really is numba 12 in our family. the 7th son.

billionaire music vid coming soon! kazamm and i are working extra hard on it! im gonna call kazamm right now..HAHA

all because of you

i am happy.

all because of you i am sad.

all because of you i know someone cares about me.

all because of you i know real love.

all because of you i want to change.

all because of you i think about you everyday.

and its all because of you God.

and its also because of you God that all of the above is the same exact thing that she makes me feel. I guess its true what you said God. You truly are love.....because she is love....and everything that she is just reminds me of you again God. so God, i have a question for you. why did you let her leave me?

studying for the SAT...again

i need to study for the SAT again. i failed the first time...i didnt really try....i need try this time though. soooo...im gonna study everyday for a little bit. today im practicing my cursive because when i took the SATi was the last to finish the cursive section and i felt stupid....LOL i didnt know how to write anything!

anyways....i had a good day yesterday. justin came over and we turned in the adress forms. so yea. hes moving in next week and hes here to stay. doode im excited. haha

CALEBS BIRTHDAY TODAY! i feel bad cuz we never do anything extra special cuz he doesnt even know what birthday mean. caleb will feel special if you just give him a bowl of noodles. i love caleb! hes so content with so little. he reminds me to be more thankful of what i have everyday.....sometimes we dont know why things happen and learn the reason after it happens many years later only to discover it was Gods plan. i remember in the bible how that one man was blind and Jesus healed him. i hope one day Jesus will heal my little brother......

one of those days

have you ever had one of those days where you just missed someone you care about so much that all you wanna do is cry but you cant because you dont want your family to see? so you go into the shower and cry until you cant cry anymore? shes been there. now i have been there. i had one of those days. she felt this way when i left her and went to new york. but i came back right? now its switched around...the only difference is...she never came back. and like she said, she never will. i hope when she told me that her fingers were crossed behind her back...i promised you i would come back. thats what the necklace was for. remember? it was a promise that i would come back. and i did. thats why i was at her window the night before i left and a day after she and i broke up. i wanted to comfort her and tell her i would always be there for her. thats what it meant. i didnt want to break up the first time...i felt forced to. the second time i wanted it though....she had become a different person. she said it was because i hurt her. i dont know how. i told her i would come back. she was the first girlfriend i truly truly cared about. it felt like my first relationship so of course i will make mistakes. and she knew that.

then time went on....her old self came back but she didnt want me. and now im gone. i miss her so much. i miss her more then anything. and i keep blogging hoping that she might read one of these one day cuz i cant freakin talk to her in real life cuz she wont let me! you know how much that hurts? not being able to talk to someone you love. i was romeo, you were juliet. how can i live without my Juliet?

eating the jam she gave me

last christmas she gave me a variety pack of jam wrapped in tinfoil. i remmeber i got a lot of presents but i was excited to open hers the most so i saved it for last. she told me to wait until christmas to open it and i obeyed. you see, at the time idont think she realized i had a crush on her. then i unwrapped the tinfoil. "what the hell is this? JAM???" lol what was i supposed to with that? i spent the rest of christmas trying to figure out what it meant....i later discovered that you gave everyone random gifts. and i admired her for that. she actually gave ALL her friends gifts. haha shes a really sweet person. anyways....even though the jam had no origninal meaning i think i found out today what it represents. i just finished eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich made from the jam she gave me..it was good. i now realized that i was the jelly and she was the peanut butter. the variety in jam represents my personality. that christmas present that she gave me was the first time she made me feel special. the second she gave me that present she had me forever and she knew i wouldnt let go. now im here...eating this jam...and all i can do is think of her...how sad right?

LOLOL i cant stop thinking about it. youre such a funny person...tinfoil for gift wrapping? these stupid little things that you did are the things i miss the most and remember the most about you. man im tearing up as i type this out. lol man....i miss her. funny thing is....i think sometimes i know what shes feeling. sometimes i just feel it...and i know she misses me sometimes too. its a weird feeling but i can feel it.

just the way you are!

doode i love this song by bruno mars! look at the lyrics. made me reminesce. its like bruno mars knows exactly what i felt!HAAHAHA reminds me of her so bad. if i could put a song together for her it would look like this



Oh her eyes, her eyes
Make the stars look like they're not shining
Her hair, her hair
Falls perfectly without her trying

She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Yeah I know, I know
When I compliment her
She wont believe me
And its so, its so
Sad to think she don't see what I see

But every time she asks me do I look okay
I say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

Her lips, her lips
I could kiss them all day if she'd let me
Her laugh, her laugh
She hates but I think its so sexy

....if perfects what youre searching for then just stay the same....

Julian Lin and kites...

Today i woke up....and i looked myself in the mirror and smiled really big. i swear....it didnt look like me. haha it looked like someone else i really cared about. but yea...made me miss her. i woke up early today so i could go to the baptism at my dads church

its a t a place called cyote point. my dad holds the baptism in the ocean...not like HOC 5's swimming pool one. the water is really gross though. but the baptism feels so much more authentic and majestic when its done in the ocean or a lake. it was a beautiful sight to see those people get baptized. Even though there was only three people who got baptized...i was happy. better then none right?

anyways...its a n annual tradition at my dads baptism to fly kites. i have flown kites there since i was 9....and im the best one at it. im not trying to brag...but im the one who always had to set it up and run the kites. so i understood how to fly it. so i got really good at it cuz ppl would get tired of flying it for so long. these kites are HUGE. they are meant for kite surfing so they can pick people up and drag them. so you need a lot of control. anyways...i was surprised to see kimmys dad at the batpizm. at first i thought he was going to get baptized but he came to just participate in the event which is just as good! afterwards....i found out his name was Julian! thats sooo cool! i never knew that! HAHA well anyways....my dad wanted to fly the kite after i flwe it around for like 2 hours with my best friend kevin. i was happy kevin could come! then he asked Julian or Mr. Lin to join him. I wish you were there to see it!!!

two workaholic dads who are geniuses and super asian....all of a sudden become kids again. give two dads a kite and they become kids again. they were both laughing their heads off and running around. it was so great. they had a lot of fun. i never knew my dad was such good friends with Julian. my dad calls him JULIAN!!! thats CRAZY! my dad never calls people by their first name usually. i was very surprised. i wish she came with her dad though! really would like to see her again and she wouldve loved it....i know she loves the water and all she loves eating food. there was a lot of food. and i wish she came to fly some kites with her dad! it was a great day today....my sister hannah came back today! shes moving back in....and she was crying. she misses her friends alot. its so sad to see her cry...

sometimes i wish we could be like kites too and just fly away...and be free.

why do i still blog?

no one reads it....and my feelings arent taht important.

i guess i still blog every once in a while because i know she still reads it.

i thought senior year was supposed to be the best year right? it dont feel so hot right now.

days

some days i miss you

most days im fine without you

no day yet has not happened where i did not have at least one thought about you

other days i daydream about what youre thinking and what i can do to make up for my mistakes

some of the other days i am glad you and i never worked out

but most of the other days i just wondered what could have been

and not a day goes by in which i dont think about the mistakes i made. i could list them for you….but man….if i did…then i would hold the record for the longest blog ever written in the Guinness Book of World Records.

so all i can say is…I AM SORRY FOR EVERYTHING. i am truly and genuinely sorry. and yes….i am happy without you. and no, i do not want to be happy. because then that means that i really didnt need you.

overall things have been fine….its been days since we really talked. and even more days since we hung out. i wish days were seconds so time wouldnt go by so slow. im just glad that youre happy….i guess tahts the reason why i can be happy right now. im happy because youre happy, even if your happiness is not the direct result of me. at least i made you happy for a while right? because youre happy,i can be happy. and thats what i actually do need….just for you to be happy. thats all i need and its all i want....

justin

yo justin this post is for you. when i first met you i thought you were scary.i thought you were too cool for me. hey, i guess it turned out we became the best of friends. most would argue more then friends, in fact some say we are brothers. and thats why i say it loud and clear that im proud to open my house to you. my house aint the best and it means the world to me that youre coming to live under my house not because the way it looks or for how nice it is but for the people in it. i respect you in more ways then one. and i cant wait for all the fun that we'll have and the deep convos that will happen. lately, i have been needing someone to talk to. youre the only one i talk to about my problems. and with things so bad with me and kimmy, damn...i wish you were here. i really wish you were here. i hate how i got nothing better to do so think about her. when you were around all i wanted to do was hang out with you and not kimmy. and now yall are both gone so i gots no one. and my family isnt enuff right now because theyre too busy with their own worlds. i miss you justin, i miss you like a brother. cuz im dying and sadly no one would undersatnd it better then you. you knew me better and were there for me more then kimmy ever was. i just wanted to make things okay with her and now i think i gone crazy cuz i feel like i hate her. and i hate this feeling cuz i dont wanna hate her. im goin back on my word from the promise that i made to God that i would never hate a soul. so i wont go back on my word, but i pray that you will move in soon. until then i still wont wake up till noon. i just keep sleeping cuz i feel like i got nothing else to do....and i feel worthless. i need to talk to you. kimmy makes me seem like the enemy and it kills me because no ones on my side and for a while you werent on my side eitehr. you were on kimmys..."just get over her sam, she wants it too." i understand that part. but the fact is she gave up on me and she said she wouldnt and she said we'd be friends and she left me. and i feel so alone right now, i wish i could talk to you now. but your fone is getting cancelled and your focusing on holly right now. and thats cool. im happy that youre together. shes a good girl. and youre a good guy. you belong together. you and i was supposed to go on double dates with kimmy and holly and i, remember? but i guess taht wont happen cuz kimmy wants nothing of me. i wish i could talk to you.

but above all i wish i could be there for you. i know youre stressin with your mom and your dad and your family out in albany. and after all you done for me i feel bad cuz i cant be there for you right now. and its sad, because youre my bro yet i cant be tehre for you even when you need me. so i cant wait till you move in so i can help you. i miss the old days where we would kick it and didnt have to worry about the worlds opinions. but now im stuck with all the drama and the clique backstabbing words of my ex. which hurts like you wouldnt believe. i wish i could talk to someone about how i feel, see that used to be kimmy but she wont listen. at least i kno when i talk to you that you will take it in and you will try to help me. and i need that right now. help. i want to be her friend. and you are my best friend. and i just wish you were here right now cuz doode i feel so alone. you were always my role model and im sorry if i hurt you cuz i never meant to.

i guess what im trying to say is that im heartbroken. and i just need someone to talk to because no ones here for me. i try so hard to forget her taht i can feel blood rushing through my veins. and my veins feel like tehre gonna pop. think about holly and how much youre in love, now imagine her completely cutting you off and treating you like a rock. she ignores you and then she leads you on. its a viscious cycle and it never ends till she says "the END". now im sitting here in my room holding the boook she let me borrow called purity. i try to read it but i cant, see its what she stole from me. its whati stole from her and its time i give it back. its time i give her back her purity. its time i give her back this damn book thats been haunting me. she let me borrow it because she knew i needed it, but it just sat on my desk like a lamp staring at me gathering up dust. it was the light but i didnt want to look up at the light because i knew thered' be demons i had to fight. and i couldnt face my demons because they was too strong and now im covered tears soaking wet in sweat. i look up and all i see her. the lust is gone and so are the demons. and whats left of her is her beautiful smile. do you get what im saying? im still in love with her. them, what do you expect of me when i fall in love. im gonna give that person my all whether they are tall or if they're small. i gave kimmy my all and it felt like only a few seconds before she started ignoring me and avoiding me. you see shes too young, she doesnt know how to talk it out. she doesnt kno how to listen which is why here mom goes insane. i told her jsut let me talk, and she said, no i dont wanna hear it i kno what youre gonna say. and i said alrigth fine then i wont say it. i was weak. i didnt want to hurt her. i jsut wanted to give to her everything she wanted and i wanted to tell her how much i loved her and all i knew that she left me to do was to say not how i felt but show it. and thats what i did...i showed it everyday but it still wasnt enuff to make her stay. holding taht jacket she gave me in my hands with my stains on it and wow it trips me out. i cant believe i let myself do that to her. i see the shirt she bought me and i cant wear it because its like when i wear it shes clawing at my back so i gotta take it off because i just cant stop thinking about her. and its driving me crazy because i need someone to talk to and get it all straight but you arent here right now so i gotta blog it all out. maybe ill show you this later and maybe ill even read it out loud. i know you care about holly so dont back out now. show her how you feel. cuz i know holly wont cut you off like kimmy did, why? cuz shes more mature. and im not trying to diss kimmy, hell she will even admit it. and i dont feel bad for saying it beacuse thats why i loved her in the first place. she was young, naive, and out of place. she wasnt like teh adult world, she just wanted to be happy and have fun. and thats what i needed. but look what i got instead, my heart is cut open and its bleeding. i dont know when i stopped breathing but i need to get some oxygen and fresh air because i dont know where to go. so i need YOU to pull me out of this hole and take me to a better place where i can see a tomorrow cuz my demons keep pulling me down like gravity. i need to get out this nightmare before someone gets hurt because of me and before i wont be able to get back up again. kimmy said she would be there for me when i needed it...i need her now but shes not here for me. so justin its up to you, pull me out, youre the only one whos ever stayed true. i miss you bro, i hope you move in soon.

justin. youre the closest friend i ever had. and i thank God everyday that i met you. so tahnks for everything. youre the best.

this blog felt more like a rap to me or a poem. i felt like i was rhyming the entire time....idk why....lately i just have been listening to a lot of rap. so yea, a lot of sad rap.... justin, i hope i get the chance to show you this one day. im weird....lol but thats jsut the way it is. and because i was trying to rhyme it felt like i got u and kimmy confused...lol but yea. dw bout it. you know what i mean man. but mi dead serious, move in ASAP. i need to talk to you man. i need someone to talk to....so bad.

i wish

i wish i could just press a button and all of this would end and i would stop liking you. and i would stop thinking about you. and we would both stop suffering......

SWOLLEN

my eye is swollen....i cant open it.....AHHHH.

besides that. i have made some mistakes taht i would like to confess. i would like to appologize to someone for not controlling myself when i should have. and i would like to appologize to someone for hurting them.

besides all that. i will still be there for that person. when they need me. as of now. im moving on with my life. i need to figure out how justin is gonna move in with us. i have been cleaning the entire day. so far it looks like justin is gonna move in. we just got a new bed for him. so its my job to clean up everything and makes ure hes got room. no one wants to help me though....but yea....I DON WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. it will make me mad. my family depresses me and makes me mad sometimes. which explains why i cant stop thinkin about a certain someone. i didnt think about her at all for a while....it seems like when i get sad i think about her. so i jsut gotta stay happy and iw ont think about her. easy!

but yea. i need to finish it up.....its taking so long because my room isnt even my room. its my grandmas room...my dads room...rebeccas room....and calebs room.

i have never had my own room in my whole entire life. i cant move anything in that room which is why its so messy....most of it is everyone elses. so they yell at me when i move their stuff.

the more i think about it...i did so many things wrong. im sorry kimmy....if you ever read this i am truly sorry. i have done a lot of wrong to you. i have sinnesd so much...and i dont know how i can live with that. i just know God will forgive me even though i dont deserve it and that he will take care of you.

im gonna move on now...as promised. and you gotta keep your promise that we are still gonna be friends. dont forget about me when i go to college.

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."
1 John 1:9 New International Version

the biggest discouragment

to be put in charge of a church of youth. you are ordered to organize it and keep it together. thats the only orders. no adult help. your on your own. you make all this effort to make it good.

you come on a sunday to put it together....but no one shows up. you preach a sermon to an empty seat. you praise and worship with an MP3 playing in the back. no band no nothing and its because the guitarist just didnt want to come to church that day.

i want something better for the church. im tired of this. God. where are you? you put this church in my hands....yet no one is here....

it hurts so bad. my biggest dreams to serve you get crushed once a week. where is everyone? where am i? is my life worht it if i cant even save a single soul? is my life worth it if God can not use me because i am incompetent?

my faith....is the only ting i have left. i hope it never leaves me. there is acutally something that makes me happier then you kimmy...and its seeing a soul get saved. and they commit their life to christ.

im so sad. i was given the repsonsibility to lead a youth group and i keep failing.

i feel so empty. i feel so sad. i feel so cold. i feel so lonely. no one will talk to me....no one will listen. this summer is the worst summer ever. i just want it to end. i just want to be held right now. i just want to be comforted. whats happening to me? i feel so depressed? im worth nothing....nobody wants me.

God where are you? do you still want me?

whats wrong with the world?

why does the world gotta be so evil and mean....

cant we all jsut get a long!!!! im tired of the cussing. im tired of the pain. im tired of the sorrow. but most of all im tired of me! i always feel so freakin empty! i dont know what i want anymore....

i see kimmy...and i want her so bad. but she does not want me. i see sena and she wants me but i dont want her.....i tried to want and like sena...but i only think about you.....i hate this. why cant i move on?

can i just not deal with girls anymore? can i just love God and only love God??? can i just stop sinning? can i just stop watching things taht i shouldnt watch? can i be nicer to people? cant i be a hard worker? cant i be smarter? cant i be stronger? im tired of being me!

nothing about me is good! kimmy doesnt want me so i dont want me either! i only want what she wants.

i will be anything she wants me to be.....in the end it doesnt matter. because at the end of the day....my arms remain empty. my heart is left empty. no girl can take your place.........................but i wish some girl did. because i know youre not gonna come back. i just wish you would. i just want someone to hold. i just want to hold you...your love. but most of all Lord, let me never break a heart ever again.

allen and youth group

today i had to cancel my plans with my friend kevin because i wanted to hang out iwth a new friend of mine, allen. he went with me to tahoe and hes been teaching me chinese and stuff. hes only gonna be here for a couple more days so it only made sense to give an entire day to him.

hes such a nice guy. but yea. we watched despicable me today! it was pretty good...it was too cute for me though. i was like, wheres the action!?!?!? but yea....this week has been exciting and sad and surprising. started off painfully froma sprained ankle then to a fun recording shoot with kevin, then to the death of my good friend's father, followed by funeral then a surprise trip to lake tahoe and finally a day to hang out with my new friend allen.

i was sad taht i didnt go to youth group today...im kinda scared actually. cuz now that kimmy doesnt wanna talk to me...i have no one that will talk to me at youth group. in the end she was the only one that would ever talk to me and keep me company. it jsut wont feel the same...im scared to go but i want to go. i want to go because of God not because of her. and thats how it was from the beginning. but i know she doesnt want to see me...so maybe i should just stop going...i never really felt accepted there....i wish i was though.

im curious to see what the future has in store for someone like me....i feel usless and stupid.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.
2 Timothy 1:7 (NLT) "

EXCITING

tuesday night...i went to bed at like 3 am cuz i was discussing with kevin the video and what time the release would be. he said he would release it wednesday night. if you ahvent watched it tehn watch it!!!! LOL its pretty funny. i had a lot of fun making it. so yeee!

anyways....i woke up wed. at 11 to my mom. she yelled, hey samuel! wake up! youa re going to lake tahoe!!!

and i was like what!? she said, youre coming back on friday! and iw as like when was this? why didnt you tell me!? and she said its last minute.

apparently her really good friend, aunty Liu, has her niece visit america. and he wanted to practice his english with someone so my mom insisted taht i go. i was like what!? so i went...cuz my mom really wanted me to go. i didnt know any of them! so i got my stuff packed and i left. the nieces name is allen.

anywyas. Aunty Liu is the craziest driver in the world...she was trying to make a right turn while she was in the most left lane!!! and she almost ran ten stop lights...the scariest driver i have ever met! shes always rushing!!!

anyways. i waited at aunty's house for three other people that were goign with us. so in the end six people went including me...but non of them knew english except me!!! allen knew enough english to talk to me though. his english is surprisingly good!

let me describe the crew. so we have a pastor from taiwan who is about 6o and then we have a 76 year old man from nantou, taiwan, which is my dads home town. then you have a 70 year old lady which is aunty LIu whos always in a rush and loves to argue. then you ahve the pastor's wife whis is about 60 as well. all of them speak taiwanese and all of them argue....so imagine a 4 hour drive with a bunch of people you ahve never met before and they dont know english...you would imagine hell. i thought it was an amazing expericnce. first off. i love old people!!!

the 76 year old, who was the oldest of them all was named uncle Sam. we have teh same name! he was soo funny. he has half an index finger though due to an accident. but he was soo funny. we went to a casino and he just gamlbed the entire time when we came there to eat. and he said, im gonna die soon so i want to live life! lol and he laughed really hard. what a cute old man.

anyways.....the lake was beautiful...i wish a certain someone was tehre. i jsut looked at the lake. it was so clear. i went into the water for a little bit. it was cool and clean. i wish there wasa certain someone with me. i couldnt stop thinking of her. it was so painful to look at the lake cuz it just reminded me of her. i didnt sleep at all...becaust i couldnt stop thinking of her. i wish she was there. she wouldve loved it.

it was a beautiful view...it was the second most beautiful thing i ever saw. the first...was her.

well anwywas. allen and me are now really good friends. im gonna tke him to the movies tomorrow to watcha movie. we are like best buddies now. hes teaching me chinese and taiwanese. a guy i never knew just became a new best friend. in only two nights...we became so close. i showed a picture of her to him on my itouch and said, this is my ex. and he said, wow...shes hot! and i was like...i know. LOL

anywho...taht jsut made me miss you whole lot more. i asked hime what kind of girl he liked...he showed me a picture of taylor swift. it made me laugh!

he showed me a song called you belogn with me by taylor swift...its now my nef favorite song....i put it on my tumblr. i know its girly but i dont care! it describes how i feel in every way! so yea. haha this trip just confirmed it all......................................................i can not get over you.

i had no faith in you....and thats why i lost you. im so dumb.

Matthew 14:31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"

what an awfully great adventure

one of my good friends, connie lii,has lost something precious of hers. her father.

i remember the good old days with her....i met her at a church conference. she was to me...jsut anotehr girl at first. during one of the sermons she was shivering so i gave her my jacket......and she was happy. after taht we became good friends. then things went by storm. we fell in love.

then all of a sudden someone i never even knew before became so important to my life. after that her family started to go to my church...her fatehr got baptised at my church after being diagnosed with cancer. her mother loved my parents and came to the church when she could. i later found out her dad grew up with my dad. they both came from the city in taiwan...nantou. and since my dad's father was teh governer of nantou connies dad knew my dad. because of this...her parents liked me a lot.

i never got to know connies father that well....he never talked taht much after getting cancer. he was such a great father. at first no doctor could diagnose connies father's illness....no one knew what it was. my dad was the first to find out what it was. he knew it was cancer.

connie had only recently become christian back then and we were in love. i would daily give her bible verses and talk to her about God. she would sing me to sleep over the phone and we would often talk all nigth over the phone. everything seemed perfect....it was like a living fantasy. then one day she went to washington. and upon return....she told me she never wanted to talk to me again.

my heart was broken. just how its been the past few months. it feels like de ja vu. anyways. connie and i have not talked since then. until today. at the funeral. she saw me....i gave respects to the father and family and i went up to her and gave her a hug. it was the first time i had seen her....in over two years. i tried looking past those tears of hers.....she whispered....thanks for coming.

kimmy....i dont want what has happened between connie and i to happen between you and me. i want to be your friend. i dont want to all of a sudden completely stop talking to you and then wait for one of your parent's to die to finally talk and see each otehr again. what will it take to be your friend? i dont know...

i think it was a suprise to her that i was there. i was surprised i was there. if my fatehr was not speaking at the funeral then i would have never went. im sorry connie....i dont know what to say to you. after all, you do have a boyfriend right now. i have no right to comfort you in anyway. let J.B. do it for you. hes a good boyfriend. i do not wish to intrued on your life. and as you have asked...i will stay out of it. your father is up in heaven. i will be praying for your family.

seeing her father in that casket....dead cold.....was such an awakening experience. what does life mean? what does it mean to live? when i die...where will i go? will there anyone care when i die or will my funeral be empty? what does a soul mean? what does a life mean to God?

what does it mean to die?

all i know is taht no one really knows what its like to die....beacuse no one really comes back from the dead to tell the tale. i can make a good guess though....to die...will be an awfully great adventure. Connie, your dad is up in heaven now. hes looking down at you with a big smile on his face....and hes proud and pleased with you in all ways.

going to this funeral made me think. if my mom died at this very instant....what would happen? how much does my mom mean to me.....how much does your mom mean to you??

how much does your father mean to you? the value of a person's soul is priceless....death is something of great mysteries. its the end of a beginning and the beginning of eternity.

falling in love was great....but its time for me to put my past behind me....and let it die. i want to become a new and better person. im tired of being confined to the things of this world. i want to be a servant of God. i want to be able to heal the wounded and heal the sick. show Gods love! i want to be able to ressurect the dead through the power of God!

is there hope? where is my faith? where have i gone wrong? do you not want the same thing? to be happy in all ways through God!?

girls....for some reason...they just dont like me. no one has hurt me more tehn girls.....yet i always come running back to them. im done. Im running towards you now God. make me whole...and make me complete. take this life of mine and let it die...but give me a new body and soul and mind. Because LORD...no matter what...you will never do me wrong. you will always protect me...always love me....no girl will be able to compete with your love. im yours LORD so take me...and break me...then remake me into what you will.

“And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.” (Romans 12:2)

cruthces

these crutches i have, have become my closest friends. theyre always giving me support and helping me. they lift me up so i can walk and push me to keep going faster. they make the pain go away and allow me to live normally. i have such good friends. i dont need to be sad.

i think about my friends. i think about caleb. i think about my family. and i think about God. and i just want to beat myself up. i have been so sad for the past month that u have made my family, my friends, caleb, and God worry about me. i need to shape up...i'll be okay. you know why? because im throwing down those crutches so i can walk on my own. people have been my crutches the day i couldnt stop getting over her. its time for me to put those crutches down. shes happy without me, and thats a fact taht im just going to have to live with.

i have been suffering but with due time it will pass. and suffering makes a man stronger. no matter how bad it is. these months have been loooong and painful but i feel stronger already. im ready for the next battle and what God has in store for me.

my family loves me so much. my friends care about me so much. Caleb looks up to me so much. God is with me so much. i am loved so much and perfectly made. I have no time to be sad. i only have time to be happy and helping others.

good bye crutches. its time you help lift someone else up and carry them.

1 Peter 5:10 " But the God of all grace, ... after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you"

ow...

i hurt my leg.

i went to albany for my best friend justin's birthday party/picnic. it was a lot of fun. holly matsunami came and a whole bunch of justin's friends and family came. it was so much fun.

i learned a lot. i feel like i need to be more appreciatative of what i got. anywho. i threw justin's uncle's ball over the fence so i went to go get it. but there was a security code thing on the lock so i coudnt open it! so i decided to go jump over the fence to go get it. if you lose it...you have to find it. i would feel irresponsible and rude for not getting it. so i jumped off the fence and then i didnt see the concrete sidewalk on the floor when i landed so i landed really weird on my ankle....and it hurt...a loT!!! i went to get the ball....then i jumped back over the fence and fell on my back....cuz i couldnt land on my feet. then ten seconds later....someone opened the dooor!!! so if i waited...then i would have never gotten hurt. so yea...im not that smart.

so i pretty much missed out on the entire day after taht. cuz i couldnt walk....soi jsut sat there! T_T

but its my fault. i took a dump....and it was so awkward to wipe my butt....it hurt so bad! peeing was even worse.....i was peeing ike a dog cuz i couldnt put pressure on my leg!!!

after that i just sat in brennens car for sooo long. then we went to justin's uncle's house. his name is steven btw. and steven gave me his crutches so i could walk. then i tried walking up the stairs with his crutches and fell straight forward on my face. and that hurt. i feel like weakling. i love helping people but i dont like it when people help me. i dont want to be a burden for others....i felt like sucha burden on brennens family and his uncle's family...

i got home around 11:50. i had a hard time sleeping cuz my foot was throbbing. afterwards....i woke up this morning to notice that the swelling had gone down a lot. you shoulda ssen my foot yesterday! my toes looked like giant jelly beans and my ankle loooked like it had a giant baseball in it....it hurt so much! im glad its healing up fast. thanks to God! :D

im sad im missing church this morning. i dont like missing church. i need to grow closer to God...

this trip to albany really cheered me up. except friday night i didnt sleep at all...so i just stayed on the itouch all night. and i was looking at pictures of my friend kimmy and i. and gosh....i missed her a lot all of a sudden. and i came to the conclusion that i really cant ever let her go. then i got really sad. like...i wondered what i have done wrong. i made a list in my head. but no matter how many lists i make...she wont ever want me back. thats the part taht really made me sad. she still doesnt know how much she hurt me...she never will. she wouldnt be able to comprehend it. and besides...i dont want her to know how much she hurt me. my ankle....and how much it hurts does not compare to how much she hurt me. if she knew how much she hurt me...she wouldnt be happy. thats why i dont want her to know. how am i supposed to get over you now!? the only way i could get over her is if i leave the house...but i cant walk and i cant drive...so now....it hurts taht much more. jsut wehn i thought i was gonna be done with her forever...shes back and she wont go away. i keep repeating her flaws in my head so i will stop liking her....but in the end i come up with more perfections that she had and by the time i name all the flaws, i see those flaws as perfections of her as well because her flaws are the things that i rememebr the most about her and her flaws are the things that made me so happy and are the things that made me laugh the most. so in the end...all i think in about in my head is say how perfect she is. which isnt helping me....it hurts so bad though cuz i know she doesnt feel the same way. but it hurts so good. i cant help but think about her.

i tried looking for other girls to cheer me up....but its not working. cuz none of them are her. soooo it wont work out. forget girls. im tired of them. im gonna do my best to take care of my family and friends and focus on whats really important in my life....GOD.

when it comes to my foot...and when it comes to her...all i can say is ow.

hence the name of this blog. no more tears....no more pain. i cant take it anymore. i have been saying ow the entire way. why you did this to me...i will never know...just give it time and time will show.

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."
Revelation 21:4

GOOD DAY TODAY!!!!!

today i went to my best friend's house! it was kevin. haha or KAzamm. i prefer kevin though. hes been my best friend since 5th grade. my other best friend is justin duong. im sleeping over at his place in albany tomorrow! YES! haha its his bday!

theey are both such good friends. im blessed. they have been really helping me through these hard times.

i recorded at his house today! it was sooo fun! we were laughing and everything. aww man. best day of summer so far. i feel genuinely happy.

i cleaned up my house today! idid so much today! i went to home depot to buy cleaning msterials for cars. cuz i wanna wash cars. then i foung mirros taht were super cheap they were those really big ones! the ones where you can see your WHOLE body. it was four bucks each! sooooi bought two! i installed them as soon as i got home! my family was happy to see it! my dad and mom came home early today! im so happy to see them this home this early and ready to go to sleep! they are so old now...i worry about them a lot.....they never sleep cuz they are always working and helping people.

i usually clean when im in turmoil. or when im really sad or upset. and i cleaned a lot!!!! so that means i must have been really sad or mad. when i clean...it cheers me up!!!!!!

im so happy today. i havent been this happy in such a long time...it feels so good!!!!

HAHAHAHA

but yea. i feel great.

still dont get her though! HAHA she confuses me so much. but its whatever. shes not thinking about me...im not thinking about her. so its all good :D

time

time goes by too slow...it inches by. all of a sudden...life doesnt seem worth living. i hate being this depressed.

i wish i could be happier. i go from happy to sad. then from sad to happy.

i told my mom i would work...but i didnt go.

i have sddenly lost the urge to do anything.

i feel lazy....and i feel wothless and useless.

i am not happy with the person i am and i am not happy with the person i am becoming. i want to change.

new beginnings

haha...i guess it does get better before it gets worse.

i talked to someone today. and she makes me really happy. haha we have been talking all night. shes helped me get my mind off kimmy. im in a much better mood now. :)

i wish i never saw you today! i almost got your image outta my head! youre even beautiful when you just wake up. now youre stuck in my head again.

we "hung" out

we hung out....and i gotta say taht was the longest 30 minutes of my life....

every single second...i wanted to say something. i wanted to yell. i wanted to scream. i wanted to cry. i wanted to hit something. i jsut couldnt get it out though. i couldnt find the words to tell you how i felt.

now that i think about it...i always had trouble telling you how i really felt. i have always gotten too nervous about what you might say or what you might think....man. love stinks. when you love someone and they dont love you back!!! its the worst feeling in the world! i hope you will never feel that way. i hope i didnt make you feel that way....

dont worry about limiting our time together. and dont even dare try avoiding me. that will make friendship between you and me...that much worse. we are friends. so treat me like one and i will do the same. and thats it.

i dont know if i even want to hang out with you anymore....or even talk to you. it hurts too much. so thats why you dont gotta worry about limiting our time. if we never hang out...then whats there to limit?

you gave me back all my stuff...but to be honest. i dont want any of it. it jsut reminds me of you...and only you. and you deleted the text app on the itouch prbly cuz you didnt want me to know who you texted and what your texts were about. you got nothing to hide from me. im your friend not your enemy.

im giving you what you want so here it is

i was never enough for you...you were always so hard to please. you said i was hard to please? i gave you everything i had...and it still wasnt enough.

have a good life. and for you its prbly one that you dont want me involved in. it seems like you were always avoiding me. BUT WHY? if you never wanted me then you shoulda told me from the beginning! im starting to think...she led me on, she used me.

being your friend isnt what i want. but im willing to sacrifice what i want for you! love is sacfrice. God sacrificed his only begotten son for us. for our sins. he did it to demonstrate his ultimate and perfect love. i love you! and therefore thats enough for me! i dont care if you hate me! i dont care if you used me or led me on! i love you! and thats the only thing taht matters. when i die...thats what i will rememeber. when you die, thats what you will remember.

i just dont know what you want from me. im trying to be your friend...you said thats what you wanted! but you just keep pushing me away. the more you push...the more i just walk away. im not gonna pull. if you dont want me here. then i will leave. i wont fight back. im tired of fighting back. you dont want me to fight back.

i have always wanted what you wanted....i jsut never wanted this. i never wanted you to let me go....thats the only thing that i will never let myself want.

"Trust in the LORD and do good;
Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.
Delight yourself in the LORD;
And He will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD,
Trust also in Him, and He will do it.
Psalm 37:3-5"

my heart desires you kimmy....and i will remain faithful to you. i promise to you right now. i will never date another girl the rest of highschool ever...unless you come back to me. i may go to dances with other girls but i will never date them. you have my heart. and thats the only thing you did not return to me today. but just like you said when i asked, "did you want taht heart back?" and then you said, "no, its yours."

my heart is yours too kimmy. when you said that. it really spoke to me. it felt like you were trying to say..."my heart is yours" to me. well it prbly doesnt mean anything and you prbly didnt intend it to mean that...but thats what i heard.

my heart is and always will be yours kimmy. you are the only girl that i will be faithful to. you have become a part of me...and i cant let you go. so thats the truth. and i cant do anything about it. when you are in love...you are in love. no questions asked. the truths the truth, any changes made to the truth...is a lie.

scared

im hanging out with my good friend kimmy today...to tell you the truth. i am scared to death. im not exactly excited but at the same time i am.

i know every second i spend with her...is jsut gonna hurt. but im still gonna treasure every moment with her like i always have. i treasure every moment with every person i meet.

we'll see what happens.

last night i waited for my sister to come home to watch a movie but she said to start with out her cuz she was at a friends house. so i started the movie to watch with my dad...but someone called him and he talked on the phone for like an hour so i fell asleep. so we ended up not watching. my dad is always too busy. but hes a good daddy even though he ignores me a lot. all because you ignore doesnt mean you dont care...well at least i think it is. its an oxymoron when i really think about it.

but anywho. i woke up early today to drive my sister to toyota to get her oil change. gonna go to kimmys house at 2 or 2:30...

this is only part one of my day. i will finish it later in a seperate blog. the second part shall have a bible verse! as promised. haha

church

went to church and it was july 4th so nobody came. Everyone came late, including me. lol and we had the same amount of food that we always had so there was A LOT of extra. since everyone left early to watch fireworks i ahd to clean up all by myself. and i missed the fireworks. but its okay. If i didnt clean up then no one else would have done it. it got pretty lonely...but caleb kept me company. he didnt really talk...he just laughed a lot. i took him home at around 10:10. and the streets were packed with people. so i couldnt really drive...i eventually made it through.

when i got home...i was super tired. i havent been feeling like myself lately. i think its a combination of being sick and being really sad. idk, i hope it passes soon. lately, life hasnt been very kind to me...but it always gets worse before it gets better.

im such a bad person. and i dont know why im even on this planet. i wish i could just fly away from here. i hope i could be a great person when i grow up. i hope i can help people. i hope i can be happier. i hope that things get beter between me and my good friend kimmy. i hope i can just smile again without feeling bad.

"But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you."
Psalm 39:7

i havent blogged here in a while

i used to blog everyday....everyday she used to remind me to. lol she doesnt remind me anymore...but not her fault...NO COMP! HAHA but shes got an itouchbut its hard to use! this will be a blog for whats happened this week! HAHA its gonna be a little long!

my last post...i wish i could delete it..but its good for memories! it sounds cocky and stupid. i didnt throw that party....her friends did. i did nothing. i was jsut taking the credit. if they didnt come then the party wouldnt have been able to happen. i guesss i was jsut angry cuz my sis was yelling at me all week about it...then she exploded all over me after the party...then i texted kimmy...and said stupid stuff...then i said stupid stuff to jsutin and he talked to me for a long time. i love jsutin. bestest friend a guy could ask for.

so on thursday morning when i woke up...i had a morning wood....so i tried to cover it with our blanket cuz justin was right next to me. and he asked "why are you doing that!?" and i was like..."oh....uhhmm..no reason. im just cold doode! dont worry about it!"

then he points...you know where...and he starts laughing so hard! and i was like what!? so i look down and it was popping out throught the blanket. and i was like...aww man...my plan didnt work...it was so funny though.

I enjoy being a man! HAHA we get to make fun jokes.

anyways....friday i was supposed to hang out with kimmy but i read thet text wrong and cahnged it to monday but its okay cuz she had to hang out with brian. im glad youre hanging out with people over summer and socializing! haha i went to her house anwyasy though on friday to let her borrow my laptop cuz she doesnt have one..well she has one right now for a little bit....but anyways i just had a sudden urge to let her borrow it after thinking about her for a long time. LOL i do that a lot though. but yea...so i gave it to her but she said no. i think shes tired of me giving stuff to her...but im not! i was tired for a little bit...but now im reay to do it some more! HAHA i like giving things to her...she doesnt have much. then i asked if i could hang out with her and brian....but then i felt bad for asking cuz i was ruining their hang out time. but yea. then i drove her to panda ex. to meet up with them. hope they had fun! then i went to gemstop after which is right next to target. i statyed there for like an hour and bought a new game. its freaky! i wanna show kimmy. she will like it! HAHA okay she wont...cuz its scary...but its super interesting and its like a mystery thing on who did what..snd she likes those things. like criminal minds and stuff. i only like things that kimmy likes...lol weird huh?

anywho. this isnt about kimmy...no matter how much i would like it to be. becuase i could go on and on about her! LOL i like talking about her!;)

but yea. i have been playging that game and screaming! esther and i scream together! its so fun...cuz i will scream jsut ofr fun and she screams for no reason just because i screamed...!!! soooo funny!!! LOLOLOL

been having happy days!

i washed cars today! esthers and my dads. it was hot and fun! i washed it with uncle mike and auntie janet! i love those two soo much. they ARE the CUTEST couple in the world. uncle mike is everything i want to be when i grow up. hes holding the door open all the time...hes respectful...kind...genrous...humble...and loving. after hanging out with him for a whole day, it makes me hate myself. i want to be a better man cuz of him. the way he treats his wife...brings tears to my eyes. its so beautiful. thats what a couple should really look like. and it makes me th8ink about kimmy and what i could have done different. i could have done lots different. today he taught me so much about taking care of others and loving others. and i hope i can be just like him! i have learned my lesson.then we ate dinner for like two hours in a far away place...then that was it.now im tired! HAHA

i used to have a tradition of always ending with a bible verse...TImE TO CONTINUE THAT!!!! HAHA

"The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

Psalm 23"

surprise bday party for a special someone

i threw a party for someone special today...i know im not special to her anymore....

but she still means a lot to me.

i really hope she liked it! i put all my efforts into it to make it happen. i know it wasnt that great...and it could have been better. but what can i say? if you got no money...then nothing can happen. i wish it wasnt that way though.

if she didnt like it...then i will be so sad.it was difficult to get it organized...but it was worth it!

hope you had a good day kimmy!

i wish i could say i love you

i wish i could say i love you

but i cant....i dont know what it is....at least thats what you told me. we are too young...well...i will always be young. i am a young after all. its my name. so why dont i learn while im young?

i wanna learn about love...and you are teaching me all about it. i wish i could say i love you, but i dont have too.

if anything...you have taught me that love is not shown through words...its shown through action

your actions show you love me...i see it...

Cleaning

i have been cleaning all day!

im gonna go clean some more. haha

cleaning is fun!YEEE

I dont want to go

I dont want to go to LA! HAHA

i do actually. but summer jsut started...i wanna settle down for a little bit....

hmmmm we wills ee what happens. after all my sister is graduating!
i started a new blog! haha

im gonna try to make this summer worth while.

please

please get away from me.

if you are not gonna accept me...then just go away....

it hurts so much.

but i dont want you to go away.....

so please....please accept me.....

im gonna miss you while im in LA. you have no idea......

farewell

farewelll my senior friends...we will meet again....

i have met some pretty amazing ppl this year. i have been blessed.

BYE

JUNIOR YEAR is almost over!!! AAHHH i cant wait! HAHA goodbye to all those stressful classes!

I cant wait till senior year. i hope its a lot easier and more fun!

lately i have been so stressed out! i do NOT feel like myself at all!!! i hope i become myself again once school is over....HAHa pimples everywehre!!! HAHAHA GOODBYE PIMPLES!!! HEHEHEHEE

im going to go get a haircut now...LOL

then once summer starts! I can focus on God more! i cant wait...!!! HAHAHAHAHA im so excited for summer....YEEEE.

leaves

I am a leaf
basking in the sunlight
growing and living happily

I am a leaf
fall is slowly approaching
i begin to wither
the other leaves wither and leave me

I am a leaf
leaving my tree
slowly drifting in the wind

I am a leaf
I have lost my color
I land on the ground

I am a leaf
waiting for a gust of wind
to pick me up and carry me away.
I fly into the sky
i soar through the wide open skys and soar
i drift and flow with the wind
the wind carries me
and then I land
waiting for a new wind to carry me
i am a leaf

leaves are my favorite thing to look at. they are so simple yet they are so complex. i am captivated by leaves. i felt inspired to write this poem about leaves. i am terrible at writing poetry but this is an attempt.hahaha

leaves...we are all leaves. drifting in the wind.....slowly drifting. sometimes we soar! sometimes we fall....waiting for a new wind to pick us up! except you. you are not a leaf.

you are the wind that lifts me up. you are the wind that carries me. that guides me. sometimes you go away...but you pick me up and carry me to push me further. i trust you that you will take me to where i need to go.

i trust you that you will help me. I trust you that you will be with me forever. i love you because you loved me first. i love you even when you are gone

i can not describe you. you are like the wind and air. you carry me and lift me up. but so immense and incredible that no one can describe it or see it.

i am a leaf....i was lucky. i was a leaf out of many...and out of all the leaves you couldve picked....you picked me up and flew me high into the sky! and i wont ever forget that.

the thing is you can still be a leaf...just like the other leaves.....you leave me and leave me left heartbroken. but when you did i waited for you to pick me up again. and you picked me up today. but you dint have to...just like the wind and air.....no one can see you....but you are always there....waiting for me to reach out my hand so you can take me to the skies once again.

take me away. fly with me....maybe next time....i can be the wind. and you can be the leaf.

scent

the scent of you lingers on my hand.

i have been sniffing it for the past half hour!

smell is the most powerful memory trigger out of the all five senses of the human body.

I'm just closing my eyes and smelling my hand...every single good memory just came back to me. us holding hands....laughing....dancing in the rally court....eating...

i open my eyes....where did it all go? every time i come close you push away my face. everytime i reach for you you slap my hand away. every time i look at you...you turn away.

its okay......i just gotta close my eyes. and there we are again...holding hands. the way its supposed to be.....

i hope i dont miss 11:11 today.....you know what I am wishing for.

sponge

i hate seeing those tears rolling down your face...i hate it when you lift up your arm to cover your face cuz you dont want me to see you cry.

i hate the fact that youre crying bcuz of me....

i dont want to see you cry....

let my shoulder be a sponge

you can cry on my shoulder. I hope the only time you cry is because you are happy. they better be tears of joy.....

I'm sorry. i dont want to see you cry.....

HAPPY 17th BDAY!

doode...im 17...HAPPY BDAY! :D

im old

JAJA

i got many presents! my favorite one is a jacket! i got it from a woman i love very much....its a little small....just like her....but it keeps me warm...just like her.

okay i give up

i will keep blogging.

HAHA

i cant help it.

LOL

but i think its important for us both to work on our relationships with God. that is always the priority!

my mom talked to me about love. she said if you TRULY love someone you will never leave them and will ALWAYS be there for them. I truly love you....

ANY WHO!!!! thats the last time im gonna say that. But yea! my sister watched the mini junior prom vid.....shes says im crazy. she told me, you have to really like someone and care about someone to do that. and i was like, yea...i know. she told me that like half an hour ago after i dropped you off....HAHAHa

moving on...my sisters came home!!!

HANNAH AND MICHELLE CAME HOME! they are leaving the day of my bday though...sooooyea it sux. They wont even have ime to celebrate it....but its okay! HAHA I miss God.

cuz even though girls will forget about me and hurt me....God never will. How could i betray him like that!?

i need to focus more on God now....and so do you!

Last blog ever

never gonna blog after this

it reminds me too much of her

i might blog again if she tells me too but if not i wont blog

i only blog because of her and will only blog if there is something i really want her to know

and yea

all she needs to know is i love her, but im gonna move on. and i will be there when she needs me. as of now she doesnt....so gotta keep moving.

BYE BLOG!

chinese project!

DOODE!

this chinese project is so stressful!

we must finish it!

im too tired...i cant keep my eyes open!

choir concert!

DOODE

concert was awesome!

HAHA

all i gotta say!

i wish i was a better dancer though! and i wish it wasnt so hot in there...and i wish i had a breath mint. LOL

AAHHH....man. why is it so hard to let you go. LOL ....you looked so pretty today. and you smelled good as always. stop it! HAHA you make it so hard!

but its okay! the best things in life are always hard to let go! but in the end....you never truly let them go....its just what you say so the other person will just move on with their life and so you dont feel like you are holding them back

I got this!

Alright!

i got this

for on now im gonna be happy! being sad wont bring her back. it only makes me more sad. and being sad probably doesnt make her happy either. If i move on then it wont change our chances of getting back together again.

She already has moved on....which hurts

i need to move on.....

i was never as stubborn as you....im quick to change my mind knowing what the other person wants.

i'm gonna move on. and im gonna be happy. im not gonna be sad anymore. i gotta make the best of what i got right now before its gone....

i just gotta get used to you not being there anymore

GREAt DAY

TODAY WAS SOOO FUN!

My dance partner for a concert got really bad burns on her legs...soooo i had to get a new parnter! and my new partner is someone i hold very dear to me. and someone truly special that i really care about. My other partner was a great dancer! but she lacked a lot of enrgy that my new partner has! I love my new partner! Literally...HAHAHA

anywho....im excited for the concert....During practice today...when we held hands for one of the steps....I WAS SOO HAPPY. you have no idea how much i missed just holding her hand... it was the best feeling i felt all year. i never missed something so much.

After that we went to choir rehersal after schoola dn it was very fun watching others sing and dance

my partner danced beautifully for her song. Michael kept teasing me cuz he said the whole time while she was dancing my eyes were focused on her the whole time. ITs not my fault shes so hard not to look at!!!!

but it was a lot of fun. she smacked me in the jaw really hard though...HAHA we need to practice a lot...tomorrow! HAHa

after she went to my house with jsut in and we worked hard! well they did...i jsut ate. i completed like one hmwk problem within three hours. HAHAHA

i got to bond with them and stuff thoguh so it was time well spent.

day one

i told you since day one. I love you. I would never her hurt you. seeing you hurt is the worst. Remember...the pain you feel i feel, but ten fold. For every pain you feel i feel, but it hurts me more. So be careful...

dont hurt yourself....cuz in the end youre hurting me. If thinking about me hurts you...then stop thinking about me. I know you dont want to hurt me....but i dont want to hurt you more. I'm a big guy so i can protect you. I will protect you always.

FOREVER

I promise you.

you are my forever.

and i will never let you go.

but i must. for now. but my lifeline will be there forever. just tug on it...and i will be there. cut it? and i will reapair it. let go of it? i will jump for you and hold on to you tight....and hit the ground first so you dont gotta feel the impact.

LONG day....

yesterday was a good day!!!!! school was okay....it was some what fun. it was easy so it wasnt too bad. After schoool i went to a fundraiser with kimmy and ate PHO it was delicious. After that i went to joyces house with justin and we hung out there for a while. After that.....we went to his house, and we ate a lot. WE kept saying we would do math and finish it.....we never even opened our back packs. HAHA we just talked about life and we caught up with each other. It was quite interesting. But we talked about all this stuff and about how sad and upset i have been feeling lately....and he gave me some tips. I love justin! HAHA no homo. I love him as a friend....hes a brother to me. HAHA hes a really good friend. I'm blessed to have a friend like him.

BUt we talked and talked. My decision is that I'm gonna let kimmy go. I mean i dont want to....but its the ebst for us. HAHA right now im having trouble though. It hurts so much to love her and care about her cuz she always seems to be trying to avoid me...BUT it hurts so gooood! HAHAHA I miss her a lot. But i gotta let her go for now. I know when shes ready and if she wants me back then i will be ready. I'm really not that attractive and not that great of a person...so i know i will prbly be single for a long time. Kimmy on the other hand is just beautiful and has this amazing personality. That personailty and her love for God is what I really fell in love with...and i guess the reason why the relationship didnt turn out the way i wanted to was cuz we forgot about God....and I didnt care about her personality anymore. That was my fault. But one thing is for certain....If we ever do get back together again, I will never mention the words break up ever again and MAKE SURE that God is first in our relationship.And make sure i always praise her for her personality and tell ehr how much i appreiciate her. Tahts what i originally intended. but i got selfish, i stared getting cocky and stuck up. if i let go of my pride we wouldnt have broke up the second time. The first time we broke up...was weak. it wasnt even a real break up. neither was the second one. we dod it on AIM. how lame....but the first time we broke up....i thought it was mutual. and kimmy said the same thing. but in the end im really the one who pushed for it. But it was a combination of things....I really wanted to be with her but i wanted to focus on grades and i didnt want my parents fighting with hers....so i told her we should take a break and "break up" and then we would prbly get back together again when i came back from new york. But she felt the impacts of a real break up....and i didnt. I destroyed her...i didnt mean to... all i was asking for was some room to think....i jsut needed to clear my head up and find out what i really wanted.I needed time. But as soon as i came back we started going out again...but i could immeadiately tell the big difference....She was avoiding me in so many ways. It drove me nuts...i didnt understand what happened. Then I just couldnt take it anymore....i got cocky and started to believe kimmy wasnt worth it. I got cokcy and said stuff to myself like....I can get a better girl than her. shes not that great anyways! she doesnt even appreiciate me!...And i was so stupid to do that. I need to humble myself more. Thats what led to the second break up on my part. But honestly....kimmy is the best it gets. I wont ever find a girl like her and i cant belive i let her go like that. I miss her...i miss her so much. Now im in her shoes...i now know how she feels after we broke up the first time. I'm heart broken in so many ways......My heart has been dropped so many times by so many different girls........and i'm afraid my heart is in so mnay different tiny pieces taht it will take a while and a lot of patience for any girl to deal with my fragile and emotional heart. I'm just hoping kimmy will learn to understand my heart and stop me from making irrational decisions and jsut help me. Instead of walking away from me i hope she will instead reach out her hand and be there to comfort me and tell me it will be okay and jsut understand and accept me for who i am. i need someone to care.

I'm just scared.....she might move on and find another guy. well she should...i'm rly not that great of a guy. theres plenty of better guys out there. but I'm so scared shes gonna find someone else......I won't ever stop caring about her. But I will be happy when she finds that other guy. But he better be good looking, hard working, an on fire christian, and take care of you better than i ever did. He better treat you well. IF HE DOESNT..I'm gonna be all over this guy...He better treat you right. I, on the other hand, I will not go chasing girls. Its not somethign i really do but i do want girls...but i jsut let them come to me cuz girls never like me....and it sucks. But i would rather have that one special girl then a million other ones. I'm glad i already have that special girl. I wont date ever again for the rest of highschool.....Kimmys already my special girl and im not letting her go. but she can let go of me. im okay with it. But im not okay with me letting her go. thats unacceptable.

I'm gonna let go....but my lifeline is still gonna be attatched to her.BUt not officially let her go. So when ever she needs me... I will pull her in without hesisitation. I said i would be there for her always and i still will be. We need time....I hurt you bad kimmy and wounds need time to heal. your wound neeeds to heal. Let it heal. I'm not gonna sratch at you and pick you, i'm gonna let you heal. If you never let a scab fully heal the skin underneath then the wound takes longer to heal. I'm gonna be patient....just know im always ready. and i will be ready when you are. And you MUST know....I truly am sorry for hurting you in any way. I've learned my lessons and I will learn to treat you better. But I also must say....that you must learn too. We both have to learn during this time while we are away from each other. Learn what to do different if we ever get back together again. theres stuff we both need to fix. and we gotta fix it. I'm not saying we will get back together for certain. thats your choice to make. but i am saying....i want you to make that decision and choice. You said taht once you make a decision...you stick to it. You made the decision to love me and care about me....so i know i will stick to you somewhere in your heart and be there always. And i am there for you always. But dont be afraid to move one. I'm not gonna push for anything...I'm just gonna let things happen naturally. Im not gonna go looking for love...but let it come to us naturally. Only time will tell.

Dont forget to read your bible...and dont forget to love God. Be humble and thanks for all the good memories....I wont forget the cookie heart you made for me for sadies....it still sits on my wall. Waiting. As will my love...it will be waiting.

ONE more chance

HAve you ever messed up big time on a test or something or did something wrong to someone and they trusted you but you broke that trust? You poured out everything you could for taht person and you gave them youre all. And you asked for forgiveness...for another chance...and they wont give it to you. And its cuz they trusted you....but you broke that trust. I know if it were the otehr way around...and you broke that trust. I WOULD give you another chance. i want another chance so bad.................................but i guess that will come with time.

I failed my chinese test today and after class i asked if i could retake it....i asked for one more chance. and she gave it to me! im happy. im gonna study for it. Tahts what God did for us when he put his son on the cross. he gave us one more chance to go to heaven! he gave us one more chance to enter those pearly golden gates.

I'm asking for one more chance.....if ms. Ju did it...and God did it.....wont you do the same for me? all i want is one more chance. I promise i wont make the mistake of leaving you again. WILL YOU PLEASE FORGIVE ME AND LET ME COME BACK TO YOU!!!!!??? :(

HEY U, yes you! MY california girl!

when i talk to you...its my way of saying i love you.

when i look at you its my way of saying i miss you.

when i love you and do things for you....its my way of saying i still care.

i hope you still care too. i wont stop caring. you know me...im not that kind of person. and now that i think of it...youre not that kind of person either. I'm glad you still care. :D

but i hope we will continue to learn more about each other. everyday...in every way.

love

i loved you then i forgot

then i forgot how to forget.

thats when i remebered i loved you

i realized you really do mean more to me more then i could ever really imagine. i just couldnt start imagining you until i stopped imagining you for who i wanted you to be. youre like a dream come true. and i mean it. i was so lost....i wish you could find some forgiveness in your heart.

kimmy, youre like make up. when ppl wear make up they look beautiful and so happy. and then all of sudden when they stop wearing make up consistently they look sick and ugly. i stopped wearing you, and now i just feel sick all the time...i miss you.

wo bu hao

im mad. i wanted to blog...but i prbly will end up regretting everything i say so yea...i wont blog. I hope i cheer up. When im angry... i say things that i dont mean.

DREAMINg

in all my 16 years of life....I have never loved someone or missed someone so much. somethings wrong with me...i swear.HAHA no! i would never swear! jk

but seriously...im dreaming. will she ever notice me? will she still care about me? will she ever want me back? IN MY DREAMS! im dreaming big...but hey. if youre gonna dream...you gotta dream big! or else it aint a dream. thats the difference between what you want and a dream, you can want it all you want but when you actually get it it will be trashed within 6 months, forgotten, nothing, gone! . if you dream it...and when you actually get it....it lasts forever. dont want big.....DREAM BIG!

STUFF

I have been obsessed with magic lately. HAHA i like to impress ppl and blow them away. LAtely I have been studying coin magic and such. I also have been singing a lot too! HAHAHA my family gets annoyed! i begin singing...then they say "STOP SINGING!" then i say, you wanna see a magic trick then? LOL then they say yea! I want to see you disappear! LOL its lots of fun. HAHAHAHAHA

im gonna keep practicing. I also was looking through some videos i got and found one of my old vids when i tried starting an accapella group and it failed pretty badly...i sing rly off key and stuff. And im trying to figure out how to upload vids and pics so this is a test run!

its taking forever to upload!!!! AGGGAHAGGAA.....LOL i sang terribly! HHAHAHAHA good memories though! one i would like to share with you!

BLOG

i want to blog right now...but idk wat to blog about. HAHA uhmmm i feel depressed right now but im not. im getting weird mood swings. BUt anyways....i missed SAT class today cuz i didnt feel good. but i wish i went cuz its fun. I have been very angry and sad and happy lately. a whole rainbow of emotions this week! I feel unrelaxed. I hope taht changes next weeek when AP testing is FIANLLY over...i miss my family a lot! i was thinking about them to day.....and they mean the world to me.

i cant wait till junior year is oveR!!!! SO CLOSE but still soooo far.....i wish summer was here! WOOHOooo...! this month is gonna be exciting! i cant wait to see what happens! i got lots to do! JUNIOR YEAR IS HARD! i hope it all pays off

but i have rly bad grades! i have never had such a low GPA.....but its okay! God has a plan for me, but mean while im gonna try harder!

PARENTs

doode i havent blogged in a while! but i wanted to blog today about parents. I realized today that i need to be a better son. not because they told me to, but because i want to. Parents, are just like us. they get mad and they have emotions too! they get mad and sad and stuff and they need someone to cheer them up too!!!! Kids, are kinda like their pets. we are kinda like puppies to them when we are babies then we grow into ferocious dogs with rabies when we are teenagers then we become mature. parents need kids! and its our job to be there to support them in everything they do. they take care of us and are responsible for us, should we not repay them? they do so much for us but we wont ever realize it untill we are in their shoes and old and wrinkly. WE need parents just as much as they need us.

Parents need us to cheer them up and put a smile on their face! my dad just put a smile on my face! HAHA he stood up to go to the bathroom and his pants fell down and he tripped!!HAHA hes wearing his old pants from like ten years ago and he lost a lot of weight so it came off. it made me laugh.

Today, my mom was telling me how she cant walk anymore and i got rly sad. she said i need to pray for her and i hope you will pray for her too. she wasnt sad bcuz of the idea she couldnt walk anymore but she was sad that she might not be able to continue the ministry. She was sad she might not be able to pray for ppl and help ppl and that touched me heart. the reason she cant walk in the first place...is cuz all her life all she has been doing is travleing and walking from place to place to pray for ppl and help ppl. and i have wronfully misjudged her the past couple weeks and she has been saying things i have never heard her say b4. and its cuz she is stressed out. she gave me a hug today after i told her i was stressed out and it meant the world to me. i should do that for her sometime and you should too! parents aren't as bad as we think they are, its just we dont rly know much about them so we are scared of them and misjudge them. if we took the time to understand them...then maybe they arent so bad after all.

I'm gonna give more effort to learn a little bit more about mine and help them in anyway possible. i encourage you to do the same, or else when they are gone you're gonna regret it!

take some time right now. imagine your father or mother dying....have you payed your dues? or have all you done is yell at them , run away from them, deny them...and never establish a relationship with them. is that how you want to rememeber your dad and mom? did you want to remember them as someone you hated or someone you loved? your parents are just like you! dont forget it! be happy you have parents or at least one! parents are blessing and kids are blessings to parents! be a blessing.

what you want and what you need

there is a fine line between what you want and what you need. its up to you decide. i have been having a difficult time trying to determine what i want, but i do know what i need. i need God in my life. thats what i need. i need to take care of my lil bros and my family and make sure i can be the best friend, person, son, brother, and student i can be.

i dont know what i want anymore. i sort of feel like a mindless nomad right now...i dont know where to go. i can do what i like but i wont. i should do what i need to and i would, if i could, but i cant. life gets worse before it gets better.....and lately its been pretty bad. but i aint gonna give up....im gonna keep pushing forward and be the best i can be. im gonna try my best....but its so hard. i want to forget her...but i cant. i dont want her to forget me...and she will, but i wont. i want to get back together but it wont happen. i want to be alone...but i want someone to hold my hand while im alone. i hope she doesnt hate me....i dont get why i miss her so much. i was such a big jerk. i still screw up the things i say to her. i need to move on.....i want to move on...but i cant. at least right now....but i will move on. i need to move on. life keeps on going and its up to me if i want to follow time's lead or fall behind. theres no shortcuts....i wish there were but there arent. Luckily enuff i got God on my side to make it a bit easier. DOODE...i hate being this sad! why am i so sad?! AAAHHHHH.....do i miss her??? whats to miss?? we are still friends....we didnt lose anything....and yet, i feel like i lost everything. the only thing we lost is the title... and that title doesnt matter. Im glad i could talk to her normally like a friend....but i miss those good times we had together where i just looked into her eyes and just felt at peace. You really dont know what you got until its gone, and you really dont know what you got until that thing or person is gone twice...im gonna treat her the same way i always have...i still care about her and that will never change. i gave her some of my chocolate and im not planning on taking it back. she once told me that love is like a box of chocolates...you keep giving some of it to every person you love and then finally when you get married...they get the rest of that chocolate. im glad she has that piece of chocolate...and i hope she enjoys it. and i hope she learned a lot from me...that hopefully whoever she finds next is nothing like me, cuz she deserves better then all i am. cuz in the end...all i am is nothing bcuz i was stupid enuff to give her up.

i dont want to be significant in this world....i just want to help ppl. i need to help ppl. i hope i helped her!

Lord....give me strength. i know i need to grow closer to you...and i want to, but i need help. i want what you want and i will make my needs whatever your needs are.

FRIENDS

dont forget about your friends. theyre just as important as your family. they will often understand you when no one else will and be there for you when you family cant be. God,friends, and family are forever. Anything not of that is not forever.

treat freinds as family and treat family as friends. And treat God as family, but more importantly as a friend. because he will listen to you when no one else will, he will understand you when no one else can, and he will be there for you forever when no else wants to. he will be a true friend.

My little big girlfriend and my ginormous God.

today was a fun day! i woke up at ten...and went on the computer and stuff. after that i cleaned up the house a little bit cuz kimmy was gonna come over but i got distracted...hahaha

anyways i got an itouch today for my bday, even though its next month. i just finished updating it!!!! its so cool!!! hahaha

anyways after that i went to pick up kimmy and she looked very nice today ;D

she went to my house and then she looked around for a little bit...then my mom came home and then she had to hide cuz she was in my room cuz she wanted to look at my room. but it was awk if she came out of my room so we left teh house through the garage. i told my mom she was here and she was mad...HAHAHA im sad shes so mad about that....i dont have any wrong intentions

After taht we played little big planet on the PS3! it was a lot of fun. i hope she had fun! hahahaha it was very amsuing

ANYWAYS! haahaha we walked to cupertino highschool for praise night! it was amazing! i hope to return again...it really opened my eyes and helped me realize how far away i have grown away from God. im gonna change! i cant keep being the way i am. im so glad kimmy invited me! :D:D:D:D:D

i feel on fire for God again. im sad i didnt rly talk to kimmys friends though...i get nervous around her friends but it doesnt mean i want to be meet them! haha i need to talk to her friends more!

tonight oopened my eyes and reminded me and added to how blessed i was with my girlfriend. she may be short and look small but she has a big heart and big spirit that i fall in love with everyday im with her! And God is far from small....from day one he has been bigger tahn all my problems and im thankful for taht and im gald i rememebered taht today. I need to change!

“And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.” (Romans 12:2)

ANGRY

I'M so angry right now! I hate myself....kimmy, if you are reading this...i want to let you know. that i dont want to be your boyfriend anymore.I cant even obey one stupid rule. Im the worst boyfriend you could ask for...so hurry up and find a new one. I get angry over stupid reasons and i hurt you today....and i cant say sorry cuz it wont take back what i did. i cant see you again.....if i do, i wont be able to look at you. even if you do forgive me i wont be able to forgive myself. DO I REALLY LOVE YOU!? i should love you enough to control my anger, to control my desires, to control myself. IF i cant even do that, then do i love you!? or are you just like every other girl in my life!? i dont deserve you.....i hate me....i hate what i have done. HOW COULD I GET ANGRY AT YOU LIKE TAHT!? WHEN YOU SAID YOU HATED ME IT MADE ME SO MAD! i know you were just kidding but i took it to heart! i cant stand myself....AAAHHhh.....IM SORRY KIMMyy.........................do me a favor and hate me. i deserve it....i dont know how to be a good boyfriend. ALL YOU HAVE DONE FOR ME IS HELP ME! and i cant even return the favor!!!! i cant even help you with your singing! HOW CAN I REPAY YOU! you wont let me!!! HOW DO I SHOW I LOVE YOU!!! have i not showed it already!!?!?? WHAT DO I DO TO PROVE MY LOVE!!!!! I LOVE YOU! is that not enuff!? I want to sing with you i want to hear you sing. i want you to be honest with me and be comfortable around me...if i cant do taht than im not a good boyfriend. you are too good for me.....WHY DID I GET SO MAD!!??!? im mad at myself for getting mad!!!! KIMMY I HOPE YOU dont read this.....can i still be your boyfriend? Will you let me? i dont know.....i wish i knew. im still angry and i just wanna forget about you but you wont get out of my head. i hate myself for trying to forget you and i hate that my heart wont let me. i dont want to forget you...i wanna be a better boyfriend....BUT HOW!? i am constantly left unsatisfied....i hate taht feeling.... i find it hard to love you! WHY!? i want to love you but its so hard! show me you love me....please.....why didnt you chase after my car when i left your house....i was waiting for you to follow....i miss you already...i hate myself right now. the one thing i got good in my life and i cant even appreiciate it. im so ungrateful and selfish....LORD, bring me peace. I ask for forgiveness....will she give it to me? i dont deserve her forgivness...i dont deserve it.

HOw to train your lil bros and how to train your boyfriend

HEY humans and ailiens! i have come to tell a story and a brief instruction on how to train your lil bros and boyfriend.

Today i watched how to train your dragon!!! it was a pretty good movie! i like it a lot....surprisingly.my sister esther suggested it and tole me to take someone special to watch it! and she like it a lot! so im happy she liked it!
HAHAH

anyways....on to the manual!

HOW TO TRAIN YOUR LIL BRO:
First i would like to introduce you to my lil brothers! CALEB YOUNG and ISRAEL YOUNg. They are part of me...so if you hate them then you hate me. And if you mess with one of us...then you mess with all of us. I will start with israel! hes the most annoying person on the face of the planet. his short temper and his lazy habits drive me nuts on a day to day basis. but i love him. he makes me happy. he tells the most hilarious jokes and is always cheerung me up. He has numerous facial expressions that crazk me up. Im actually rly jealous of him sometimes. I spend a majority of my time trying to be a good older bro but another huge majority of the time being jelous. HAHAHA being jealous aint good...but i cant help it. Hes better looking, smarter, a better speaker, and more sensitive then me. He has so much good going towrads him. it drives me nuts taht he doesnt realize how lucky he is sometimes and how blessed he is. I hate when he swears but i hate it the mos when he says he hates me...it breaks my heart. the one thing worse then having someone you love not notice you is having someone you love tell you they hate you. They acknowledge your love for them and completely throw it all away with three words...The three words that can bring you joy can be changed instantly when only one word is changed. When he says i hate you to me....i almost want to cry. I changed your diapers, i make you food, i take you to and from school, i help you with your hmwk, we worked together, slept together, sweat together, bled together, and we took care of teh family together. we went through all of that and this is what it comes down to? you hate me??? how dare you....i would never say those words to you....not even in a joking matter. you are my world, you are part of me. I love you israel. I remember all the times when you were a kid and ppl hated you because your name was israel. they called you a jew but you were far from it...those teachers who hated you just because of your name...your a good kid izzy. how to train a little brother named israel? simple...you dont. you let him train you. he grows on his own and ppl flock to him and look up to him. his sensitive heart and good humor brings ppl to their knees in laughter and joy as they rejoice to the LORD. Israel alwasy gives all the praise to God...i learnd that from him. he has taught me so much. he is more of an older brother to men than i am for him. i know you will be successful one day izzy. have faith and be strong.

HOW to train Caleb young:
Caleb is a tough one...haha. i love caleb. when he jumps into the air and fumbles with his shoe laces trying to tie it with his fingerless hand just brings joy to my heart. He is such a happy kid even though he has half a brain, cant speak, and has only one hand. He is more like Toothless in the movie then anything else. caleb will alawys be left out just the way he looks. i remeber all the time ppl would judge caleb just by the way he looked. ppl would glare at him swear at him calling him a retard and a loser....i wont say i hate those ppl but i aske that God will forgive them. He can still be happy through all that!? maan...caleb you are a straight up gangsta. and i gotta admit...when you give me a hug caleb...it feels a billion times better then when my gf hugs me. no offense kimmy! haha but i mean it...to have someone like taht hug you is like being hugged by a rose covered in thorns. but in a good way. the thorns represent all the hardships my family and i went through with him. and when he hugs me those thorns peirce my body my heart and my soul and i melt. and all you can do is smile. you feel his pain when he looks you in the eyes...thats the only way he can speak. its through his eyes...he cant say i love you but he can definitely show you. and he does that when he runs up to you with the biggest grin on his face and his disabled hand flopping in the air as it swings around your waist and wraps around your back to meet his other good hand and squeezes with all his tiny might. when i hold his fingerless hand....its like a piece of heaven is gripping my hand harder. My mom told me that when caleb was born with only one hand...it was because the fingerless hand represented God's hand. you cant see it but its there. It was a reminder to our family that no matter what happens, God's hand will always be upon our family no matter how impossible the situation gets. Caleb has a huge scar across his back. When he was born, the doctors had to cut open his back. as he was born he wouldnt cry. he was silent. and it wasnt cuz he didnt know how to cry....it was cuz he wasnt breathing. The doctors despeartely tried to rececitate him and were forced to resort to pumping his heart by hand to get the oxygen flowing again. with a scapel in hand, the doctors peirced his flesh and slowly glided the scapel across his flesh making a incision revealing his heart. The doctors began to pump his heart by hand and placed inside a pacemaker. he had a sensitive heart. he still does. i love caleb. he trains me everyday. he trains me by testing my patience, haha not on purpose but bcuz he has downsyndrome,his motor skillz are not as efficent as ours. therefore, if i want him to go somewhere i gotta wait a good ten minutes for a response. but it helps me in ways you cant imagine. hes my bed mate! haha hes like a giant teddy bear. when i see him try to pick something up with his fingerless hand it makes me want to cry. why God? why didnt you take my hand? why his hand.....you take his heart, his brain, his hand!? why!? and i have realized....more anything. that we are all caleb. In his heart, exists the mos perfect soul you will ever see. but no one will ever see it, bcuz of the way he looks. caleb is what the average human looks like, just turned inside out. caleb is a beautiful child. if you hate him, you hate me,my family, God, and yourself. Caleb is no better than you and you are no better than him. hes jsut like you, and i only ask you will treat him the same. i dont know how to be a good brother but caleb does. he knows how to be agood person. i ask you treat him good and as you would to someone who has done good to you. i would give my life for him a billion times if i had to. and i would. no doubt about it. how to train caleb young? you cant...hes untrainable. hes too stupid, too ugly, too short, too slow. hes untrainable. hes my brother...hes everything i am. i am untrainable stupid, ugly, too short, too slow. i bear his burdens for him. i carry all his pains and his tears. i will be his shield. he is my trainer. he has trained me to be a shield...not a particulary good one...but enuff. enuff to protect him from the cruel world that labels him as ugly, short, and retarded. i label him and God labels him as great, amazing, pure, beautiful, sensitive, and a leader. Caleb trained me, israel trained me. Caleb has taught me to never judge ppl. no one is perfect and caleb is the very definition of that. you can see it physically and you wont admit it but you are just like him. he will do anything for someone to just listen to him. i always wonder what hes thinking in his head since he cant speak he will do his best to express it through his actions. Its this pureness about him taht makes me want to live. yea, i gotta clean up his mess and take him a shower everyday...but its worth it. who am i to conplain!? why is he a leader? its cuz hes so pure...he will ight the way to those who are lost. he has lit my way and i hope he will light yours too....let caleb train you....if you do, you will be blessed. learn from him. I feel like God put him in my life for a reason...and its to teach me something about him and his love. Let caleb teach you about God jsut as he has taught me...

How to train your boyfriend:
this ones a tough one. and its cuz im still wokring on this one...haha. the best way to put it is....dont train him. you dont gotta do anything. let love do it all. if he really loves you then trust him. he is doing his best to be the best he can be for you. and he loves you for making him a better pesron. loving someone isnt giving that person what they want or making them give them what you want but loving taht person means you will sacrifice what you want for the better of your boyfriend and vice versa. and i love you for that. you train me everyday i am with you....and i thank you for that. keep training me! thats a lot to ask from you but i have so much to learn from you. a boyfriend does need steady does of God in his life so make sure you are feeding him God's word everyday and feed his spirit. make him a man of God. He loves you and he wants you to know that. he appologizes for his previous mistakes and asks for your forgiveness. he wants to be your boyfriend but only if you will let him. and one day when y ou wanna leave him he will help you pack your bags. he loves you enuff to let you go but loves you enuff to never let you go. he may physically let you go but you will NEVER leave hsi heart, soul, or mind. he loves you and if you love him back then thats all the training you need to do. he wishes to be everything you want in a man and more. he knos it seems impossible but hes willing to reach for it. he sees her jsut like the moon. distant but lights the enire dark night sky. he cant reach her and only hopes she will let his rocket land on her. he wants to be her everything but he knows his everything wont be enuff. will she be willing to continue to love him? will she continue to let him love her and will he love her in return? well...we will see. i hope she does. i pray she does. i have yet to discover all she has to offer me...and its a lot. and i cant wait to find it. and i cant wait to find out ;)

This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. – 1 John 4:9-11

Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their work:
If one falls down,
his friend can help him up.
But pity the man who falls
and has no one to help him up!"
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 New King James Version