LONG day....

yesterday was a good day!!!!! school was okay....it was some what fun. it was easy so it wasnt too bad. After schoool i went to a fundraiser with kimmy and ate PHO it was delicious. After that i went to joyces house with justin and we hung out there for a while. After that.....we went to his house, and we ate a lot. WE kept saying we would do math and finish it.....we never even opened our back packs. HAHA we just talked about life and we caught up with each other. It was quite interesting. But we talked about all this stuff and about how sad and upset i have been feeling lately....and he gave me some tips. I love justin! HAHA no homo. I love him as a friend....hes a brother to me. HAHA hes a really good friend. I'm blessed to have a friend like him.

BUt we talked and talked. My decision is that I'm gonna let kimmy go. I mean i dont want to....but its the ebst for us. HAHA right now im having trouble though. It hurts so much to love her and care about her cuz she always seems to be trying to avoid me...BUT it hurts so gooood! HAHAHA I miss her a lot. But i gotta let her go for now. I know when shes ready and if she wants me back then i will be ready. I'm really not that attractive and not that great of a person...so i know i will prbly be single for a long time. Kimmy on the other hand is just beautiful and has this amazing personality. That personailty and her love for God is what I really fell in love with...and i guess the reason why the relationship didnt turn out the way i wanted to was cuz we forgot about God....and I didnt care about her personality anymore. That was my fault. But one thing is for certain....If we ever do get back together again, I will never mention the words break up ever again and MAKE SURE that God is first in our relationship.And make sure i always praise her for her personality and tell ehr how much i appreiciate her. Tahts what i originally intended. but i got selfish, i stared getting cocky and stuck up. if i let go of my pride we wouldnt have broke up the second time. The first time we broke up...was weak. it wasnt even a real break up. neither was the second one. we dod it on AIM. how lame....but the first time we broke up....i thought it was mutual. and kimmy said the same thing. but in the end im really the one who pushed for it. But it was a combination of things....I really wanted to be with her but i wanted to focus on grades and i didnt want my parents fighting with hers....so i told her we should take a break and "break up" and then we would prbly get back together again when i came back from new york. But she felt the impacts of a real break up....and i didnt. I destroyed her...i didnt mean to... all i was asking for was some room to think....i jsut needed to clear my head up and find out what i really wanted.I needed time. But as soon as i came back we started going out again...but i could immeadiately tell the big difference....She was avoiding me in so many ways. It drove me nuts...i didnt understand what happened. Then I just couldnt take it anymore....i got cocky and started to believe kimmy wasnt worth it. I got cokcy and said stuff to myself like....I can get a better girl than her. shes not that great anyways! she doesnt even appreiciate me!...And i was so stupid to do that. I need to humble myself more. Thats what led to the second break up on my part. But honestly....kimmy is the best it gets. I wont ever find a girl like her and i cant belive i let her go like that. I miss her...i miss her so much. Now im in her shoes...i now know how she feels after we broke up the first time. I'm heart broken in so many ways......My heart has been dropped so many times by so many different girls........and i'm afraid my heart is in so mnay different tiny pieces taht it will take a while and a lot of patience for any girl to deal with my fragile and emotional heart. I'm just hoping kimmy will learn to understand my heart and stop me from making irrational decisions and jsut help me. Instead of walking away from me i hope she will instead reach out her hand and be there to comfort me and tell me it will be okay and jsut understand and accept me for who i am. i need someone to care.

I'm just scared.....she might move on and find another guy. well she should...i'm rly not that great of a guy. theres plenty of better guys out there. but I'm so scared shes gonna find someone else......I won't ever stop caring about her. But I will be happy when she finds that other guy. But he better be good looking, hard working, an on fire christian, and take care of you better than i ever did. He better treat you well. IF HE DOESNT..I'm gonna be all over this guy...He better treat you right. I, on the other hand, I will not go chasing girls. Its not somethign i really do but i do want girls...but i jsut let them come to me cuz girls never like me....and it sucks. But i would rather have that one special girl then a million other ones. I'm glad i already have that special girl. I wont date ever again for the rest of highschool.....Kimmys already my special girl and im not letting her go. but she can let go of me. im okay with it. But im not okay with me letting her go. thats unacceptable.

I'm gonna let go....but my lifeline is still gonna be attatched to her.BUt not officially let her go. So when ever she needs me... I will pull her in without hesisitation. I said i would be there for her always and i still will be. We need time....I hurt you bad kimmy and wounds need time to heal. your wound neeeds to heal. Let it heal. I'm not gonna sratch at you and pick you, i'm gonna let you heal. If you never let a scab fully heal the skin underneath then the wound takes longer to heal. I'm gonna be patient....just know im always ready. and i will be ready when you are. And you MUST know....I truly am sorry for hurting you in any way. I've learned my lessons and I will learn to treat you better. But I also must say....that you must learn too. We both have to learn during this time while we are away from each other. Learn what to do different if we ever get back together again. theres stuff we both need to fix. and we gotta fix it. I'm not saying we will get back together for certain. thats your choice to make. but i am saying....i want you to make that decision and choice. You said taht once you make a decision...you stick to it. You made the decision to love me and care about me....so i know i will stick to you somewhere in your heart and be there always. And i am there for you always. But dont be afraid to move one. I'm not gonna push for anything...I'm just gonna let things happen naturally. Im not gonna go looking for love...but let it come to us naturally. Only time will tell.

Dont forget to read your bible...and dont forget to love God. Be humble and thanks for all the good memories....I wont forget the cookie heart you made for me for sadies....it still sits on my wall. Waiting. As will my love...it will be waiting.