Today i woke up....and i looked myself in the mirror and smiled really big. i swear....it didnt look like me. haha it looked like someone else i really cared about. but yea...made me miss her. i woke up early today so i could go to the baptism at my dads church
its a t a place called cyote point. my dad holds the baptism in the ocean...not like HOC 5's swimming pool one. the water is really gross though. but the baptism feels so much more authentic and majestic when its done in the ocean or a lake. it was a beautiful sight to see those people get baptized. Even though there was only three people who got baptized...i was happy. better then none right?
anyways...its a n annual tradition at my dads baptism to fly kites. i have flown kites there since i was 9....and im the best one at it. im not trying to brag...but im the one who always had to set it up and run the kites. so i understood how to fly it. so i got really good at it cuz ppl would get tired of flying it for so long. these kites are HUGE. they are meant for kite surfing so they can pick people up and drag them. so you need a lot of control. anyways...i was surprised to see kimmys dad at the batpizm. at first i thought he was going to get baptized but he came to just participate in the event which is just as good! afterwards....i found out his name was Julian! thats sooo cool! i never knew that! HAHA well anyways....my dad wanted to fly the kite after i flwe it around for like 2 hours with my best friend kevin. i was happy kevin could come! then he asked Julian or Mr. Lin to join him. I wish you were there to see it!!!
two workaholic dads who are geniuses and super asian....all of a sudden become kids again. give two dads a kite and they become kids again. they were both laughing their heads off and running around. it was so great. they had a lot of fun. i never knew my dad was such good friends with Julian. my dad calls him JULIAN!!! thats CRAZY! my dad never calls people by their first name usually. i was very surprised. i wish she came with her dad though! really would like to see her again and she wouldve loved it....i know she loves the water and all she loves eating food. there was a lot of food. and i wish she came to fly some kites with her dad! it was a great day today....my sister hannah came back today! shes moving back in....and she was crying. she misses her friends alot. its so sad to see her cry...
sometimes i wish we could be like kites too and just fly away...and be free.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
why do i still blog?
no one reads it....and my feelings arent taht important.
i guess i still blog every once in a while because i know she still reads it.
i thought senior year was supposed to be the best year right? it dont feel so hot right now.
i guess i still blog every once in a while because i know she still reads it.
i thought senior year was supposed to be the best year right? it dont feel so hot right now.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
days
some days i miss you
most days im fine without you
no day yet has not happened where i did not have at least one thought about you
other days i daydream about what youre thinking and what i can do to make up for my mistakes
some of the other days i am glad you and i never worked out
but most of the other days i just wondered what could have been
and not a day goes by in which i dont think about the mistakes i made. i could list them for you….but man….if i did…then i would hold the record for the longest blog ever written in the Guinness Book of World Records.
so all i can say is…I AM SORRY FOR EVERYTHING. i am truly and genuinely sorry. and yes….i am happy without you. and no, i do not want to be happy. because then that means that i really didnt need you.
overall things have been fine….its been days since we really talked. and even more days since we hung out. i wish days were seconds so time wouldnt go by so slow. im just glad that youre happy….i guess tahts the reason why i can be happy right now. im happy because youre happy, even if your happiness is not the direct result of me. at least i made you happy for a while right? because youre happy,i can be happy. and thats what i actually do need….just for you to be happy. thats all i need and its all i want....
most days im fine without you
no day yet has not happened where i did not have at least one thought about you
other days i daydream about what youre thinking and what i can do to make up for my mistakes
some of the other days i am glad you and i never worked out
but most of the other days i just wondered what could have been
and not a day goes by in which i dont think about the mistakes i made. i could list them for you….but man….if i did…then i would hold the record for the longest blog ever written in the Guinness Book of World Records.
so all i can say is…I AM SORRY FOR EVERYTHING. i am truly and genuinely sorry. and yes….i am happy without you. and no, i do not want to be happy. because then that means that i really didnt need you.
overall things have been fine….its been days since we really talked. and even more days since we hung out. i wish days were seconds so time wouldnt go by so slow. im just glad that youre happy….i guess tahts the reason why i can be happy right now. im happy because youre happy, even if your happiness is not the direct result of me. at least i made you happy for a while right? because youre happy,i can be happy. and thats what i actually do need….just for you to be happy. thats all i need and its all i want....
Saturday, July 24, 2010
justin
yo justin this post is for you. when i first met you i thought you were scary.i thought you were too cool for me. hey, i guess it turned out we became the best of friends. most would argue more then friends, in fact some say we are brothers. and thats why i say it loud and clear that im proud to open my house to you. my house aint the best and it means the world to me that youre coming to live under my house not because the way it looks or for how nice it is but for the people in it. i respect you in more ways then one. and i cant wait for all the fun that we'll have and the deep convos that will happen. lately, i have been needing someone to talk to. youre the only one i talk to about my problems. and with things so bad with me and kimmy, damn...i wish you were here. i really wish you were here. i hate how i got nothing better to do so think about her. when you were around all i wanted to do was hang out with you and not kimmy. and now yall are both gone so i gots no one. and my family isnt enuff right now because theyre too busy with their own worlds. i miss you justin, i miss you like a brother. cuz im dying and sadly no one would undersatnd it better then you. you knew me better and were there for me more then kimmy ever was. i just wanted to make things okay with her and now i think i gone crazy cuz i feel like i hate her. and i hate this feeling cuz i dont wanna hate her. im goin back on my word from the promise that i made to God that i would never hate a soul. so i wont go back on my word, but i pray that you will move in soon. until then i still wont wake up till noon. i just keep sleeping cuz i feel like i got nothing else to do....and i feel worthless. i need to talk to you. kimmy makes me seem like the enemy and it kills me because no ones on my side and for a while you werent on my side eitehr. you were on kimmys..."just get over her sam, she wants it too." i understand that part. but the fact is she gave up on me and she said she wouldnt and she said we'd be friends and she left me. and i feel so alone right now, i wish i could talk to you now. but your fone is getting cancelled and your focusing on holly right now. and thats cool. im happy that youre together. shes a good girl. and youre a good guy. you belong together. you and i was supposed to go on double dates with kimmy and holly and i, remember? but i guess taht wont happen cuz kimmy wants nothing of me. i wish i could talk to you.
but above all i wish i could be there for you. i know youre stressin with your mom and your dad and your family out in albany. and after all you done for me i feel bad cuz i cant be there for you right now. and its sad, because youre my bro yet i cant be tehre for you even when you need me. so i cant wait till you move in so i can help you. i miss the old days where we would kick it and didnt have to worry about the worlds opinions. but now im stuck with all the drama and the clique backstabbing words of my ex. which hurts like you wouldnt believe. i wish i could talk to someone about how i feel, see that used to be kimmy but she wont listen. at least i kno when i talk to you that you will take it in and you will try to help me. and i need that right now. help. i want to be her friend. and you are my best friend. and i just wish you were here right now cuz doode i feel so alone. you were always my role model and im sorry if i hurt you cuz i never meant to.
i guess what im trying to say is that im heartbroken. and i just need someone to talk to because no ones here for me. i try so hard to forget her taht i can feel blood rushing through my veins. and my veins feel like tehre gonna pop. think about holly and how much youre in love, now imagine her completely cutting you off and treating you like a rock. she ignores you and then she leads you on. its a viscious cycle and it never ends till she says "the END". now im sitting here in my room holding the boook she let me borrow called purity. i try to read it but i cant, see its what she stole from me. its whati stole from her and its time i give it back. its time i give her back her purity. its time i give her back this damn book thats been haunting me. she let me borrow it because she knew i needed it, but it just sat on my desk like a lamp staring at me gathering up dust. it was the light but i didnt want to look up at the light because i knew thered' be demons i had to fight. and i couldnt face my demons because they was too strong and now im covered tears soaking wet in sweat. i look up and all i see her. the lust is gone and so are the demons. and whats left of her is her beautiful smile. do you get what im saying? im still in love with her. them, what do you expect of me when i fall in love. im gonna give that person my all whether they are tall or if they're small. i gave kimmy my all and it felt like only a few seconds before she started ignoring me and avoiding me. you see shes too young, she doesnt know how to talk it out. she doesnt kno how to listen which is why here mom goes insane. i told her jsut let me talk, and she said, no i dont wanna hear it i kno what youre gonna say. and i said alrigth fine then i wont say it. i was weak. i didnt want to hurt her. i jsut wanted to give to her everything she wanted and i wanted to tell her how much i loved her and all i knew that she left me to do was to say not how i felt but show it. and thats what i did...i showed it everyday but it still wasnt enuff to make her stay. holding taht jacket she gave me in my hands with my stains on it and wow it trips me out. i cant believe i let myself do that to her. i see the shirt she bought me and i cant wear it because its like when i wear it shes clawing at my back so i gotta take it off because i just cant stop thinking about her. and its driving me crazy because i need someone to talk to and get it all straight but you arent here right now so i gotta blog it all out. maybe ill show you this later and maybe ill even read it out loud. i know you care about holly so dont back out now. show her how you feel. cuz i know holly wont cut you off like kimmy did, why? cuz shes more mature. and im not trying to diss kimmy, hell she will even admit it. and i dont feel bad for saying it beacuse thats why i loved her in the first place. she was young, naive, and out of place. she wasnt like teh adult world, she just wanted to be happy and have fun. and thats what i needed. but look what i got instead, my heart is cut open and its bleeding. i dont know when i stopped breathing but i need to get some oxygen and fresh air because i dont know where to go. so i need YOU to pull me out of this hole and take me to a better place where i can see a tomorrow cuz my demons keep pulling me down like gravity. i need to get out this nightmare before someone gets hurt because of me and before i wont be able to get back up again. kimmy said she would be there for me when i needed it...i need her now but shes not here for me. so justin its up to you, pull me out, youre the only one whos ever stayed true. i miss you bro, i hope you move in soon.
justin. youre the closest friend i ever had. and i thank God everyday that i met you. so tahnks for everything. youre the best.
this blog felt more like a rap to me or a poem. i felt like i was rhyming the entire time....idk why....lately i just have been listening to a lot of rap. so yea, a lot of sad rap.... justin, i hope i get the chance to show you this one day. im weird....lol but thats jsut the way it is. and because i was trying to rhyme it felt like i got u and kimmy confused...lol but yea. dw bout it. you know what i mean man. but mi dead serious, move in ASAP. i need to talk to you man. i need someone to talk to....so bad.
but above all i wish i could be there for you. i know youre stressin with your mom and your dad and your family out in albany. and after all you done for me i feel bad cuz i cant be there for you right now. and its sad, because youre my bro yet i cant be tehre for you even when you need me. so i cant wait till you move in so i can help you. i miss the old days where we would kick it and didnt have to worry about the worlds opinions. but now im stuck with all the drama and the clique backstabbing words of my ex. which hurts like you wouldnt believe. i wish i could talk to someone about how i feel, see that used to be kimmy but she wont listen. at least i kno when i talk to you that you will take it in and you will try to help me. and i need that right now. help. i want to be her friend. and you are my best friend. and i just wish you were here right now cuz doode i feel so alone. you were always my role model and im sorry if i hurt you cuz i never meant to.
i guess what im trying to say is that im heartbroken. and i just need someone to talk to because no ones here for me. i try so hard to forget her taht i can feel blood rushing through my veins. and my veins feel like tehre gonna pop. think about holly and how much youre in love, now imagine her completely cutting you off and treating you like a rock. she ignores you and then she leads you on. its a viscious cycle and it never ends till she says "the END". now im sitting here in my room holding the boook she let me borrow called purity. i try to read it but i cant, see its what she stole from me. its whati stole from her and its time i give it back. its time i give her back her purity. its time i give her back this damn book thats been haunting me. she let me borrow it because she knew i needed it, but it just sat on my desk like a lamp staring at me gathering up dust. it was the light but i didnt want to look up at the light because i knew thered' be demons i had to fight. and i couldnt face my demons because they was too strong and now im covered tears soaking wet in sweat. i look up and all i see her. the lust is gone and so are the demons. and whats left of her is her beautiful smile. do you get what im saying? im still in love with her. them, what do you expect of me when i fall in love. im gonna give that person my all whether they are tall or if they're small. i gave kimmy my all and it felt like only a few seconds before she started ignoring me and avoiding me. you see shes too young, she doesnt know how to talk it out. she doesnt kno how to listen which is why here mom goes insane. i told her jsut let me talk, and she said, no i dont wanna hear it i kno what youre gonna say. and i said alrigth fine then i wont say it. i was weak. i didnt want to hurt her. i jsut wanted to give to her everything she wanted and i wanted to tell her how much i loved her and all i knew that she left me to do was to say not how i felt but show it. and thats what i did...i showed it everyday but it still wasnt enuff to make her stay. holding taht jacket she gave me in my hands with my stains on it and wow it trips me out. i cant believe i let myself do that to her. i see the shirt she bought me and i cant wear it because its like when i wear it shes clawing at my back so i gotta take it off because i just cant stop thinking about her. and its driving me crazy because i need someone to talk to and get it all straight but you arent here right now so i gotta blog it all out. maybe ill show you this later and maybe ill even read it out loud. i know you care about holly so dont back out now. show her how you feel. cuz i know holly wont cut you off like kimmy did, why? cuz shes more mature. and im not trying to diss kimmy, hell she will even admit it. and i dont feel bad for saying it beacuse thats why i loved her in the first place. she was young, naive, and out of place. she wasnt like teh adult world, she just wanted to be happy and have fun. and thats what i needed. but look what i got instead, my heart is cut open and its bleeding. i dont know when i stopped breathing but i need to get some oxygen and fresh air because i dont know where to go. so i need YOU to pull me out of this hole and take me to a better place where i can see a tomorrow cuz my demons keep pulling me down like gravity. i need to get out this nightmare before someone gets hurt because of me and before i wont be able to get back up again. kimmy said she would be there for me when i needed it...i need her now but shes not here for me. so justin its up to you, pull me out, youre the only one whos ever stayed true. i miss you bro, i hope you move in soon.
justin. youre the closest friend i ever had. and i thank God everyday that i met you. so tahnks for everything. youre the best.
this blog felt more like a rap to me or a poem. i felt like i was rhyming the entire time....idk why....lately i just have been listening to a lot of rap. so yea, a lot of sad rap.... justin, i hope i get the chance to show you this one day. im weird....lol but thats jsut the way it is. and because i was trying to rhyme it felt like i got u and kimmy confused...lol but yea. dw bout it. you know what i mean man. but mi dead serious, move in ASAP. i need to talk to you man. i need someone to talk to....so bad.
Friday, July 23, 2010
i wish
i wish i could just press a button and all of this would end and i would stop liking you. and i would stop thinking about you. and we would both stop suffering......
Thursday, July 22, 2010
SWOLLEN
my eye is swollen....i cant open it.....AHHHH.
besides that. i have made some mistakes taht i would like to confess. i would like to appologize to someone for not controlling myself when i should have. and i would like to appologize to someone for hurting them.
besides all that. i will still be there for that person. when they need me. as of now. im moving on with my life. i need to figure out how justin is gonna move in with us. i have been cleaning the entire day. so far it looks like justin is gonna move in. we just got a new bed for him. so its my job to clean up everything and makes ure hes got room. no one wants to help me though....but yea....I DON WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. it will make me mad. my family depresses me and makes me mad sometimes. which explains why i cant stop thinkin about a certain someone. i didnt think about her at all for a while....it seems like when i get sad i think about her. so i jsut gotta stay happy and iw ont think about her. easy!
but yea. i need to finish it up.....its taking so long because my room isnt even my room. its my grandmas room...my dads room...rebeccas room....and calebs room.
i have never had my own room in my whole entire life. i cant move anything in that room which is why its so messy....most of it is everyone elses. so they yell at me when i move their stuff.
the more i think about it...i did so many things wrong. im sorry kimmy....if you ever read this i am truly sorry. i have done a lot of wrong to you. i have sinnesd so much...and i dont know how i can live with that. i just know God will forgive me even though i dont deserve it and that he will take care of you.
im gonna move on now...as promised. and you gotta keep your promise that we are still gonna be friends. dont forget about me when i go to college.
"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."
1 John 1:9 New International Version
besides that. i have made some mistakes taht i would like to confess. i would like to appologize to someone for not controlling myself when i should have. and i would like to appologize to someone for hurting them.
besides all that. i will still be there for that person. when they need me. as of now. im moving on with my life. i need to figure out how justin is gonna move in with us. i have been cleaning the entire day. so far it looks like justin is gonna move in. we just got a new bed for him. so its my job to clean up everything and makes ure hes got room. no one wants to help me though....but yea....I DON WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. it will make me mad. my family depresses me and makes me mad sometimes. which explains why i cant stop thinkin about a certain someone. i didnt think about her at all for a while....it seems like when i get sad i think about her. so i jsut gotta stay happy and iw ont think about her. easy!
but yea. i need to finish it up.....its taking so long because my room isnt even my room. its my grandmas room...my dads room...rebeccas room....and calebs room.
i have never had my own room in my whole entire life. i cant move anything in that room which is why its so messy....most of it is everyone elses. so they yell at me when i move their stuff.
the more i think about it...i did so many things wrong. im sorry kimmy....if you ever read this i am truly sorry. i have done a lot of wrong to you. i have sinnesd so much...and i dont know how i can live with that. i just know God will forgive me even though i dont deserve it and that he will take care of you.
im gonna move on now...as promised. and you gotta keep your promise that we are still gonna be friends. dont forget about me when i go to college.
"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."
1 John 1:9 New International Version
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
the biggest discouragment
to be put in charge of a church of youth. you are ordered to organize it and keep it together. thats the only orders. no adult help. your on your own. you make all this effort to make it good.
you come on a sunday to put it together....but no one shows up. you preach a sermon to an empty seat. you praise and worship with an MP3 playing in the back. no band no nothing and its because the guitarist just didnt want to come to church that day.
i want something better for the church. im tired of this. God. where are you? you put this church in my hands....yet no one is here....
it hurts so bad. my biggest dreams to serve you get crushed once a week. where is everyone? where am i? is my life worht it if i cant even save a single soul? is my life worth it if God can not use me because i am incompetent?
my faith....is the only ting i have left. i hope it never leaves me. there is acutally something that makes me happier then you kimmy...and its seeing a soul get saved. and they commit their life to christ.
im so sad. i was given the repsonsibility to lead a youth group and i keep failing.
i feel so empty. i feel so sad. i feel so cold. i feel so lonely. no one will talk to me....no one will listen. this summer is the worst summer ever. i just want it to end. i just want to be held right now. i just want to be comforted. whats happening to me? i feel so depressed? im worth nothing....nobody wants me.
God where are you? do you still want me?
you come on a sunday to put it together....but no one shows up. you preach a sermon to an empty seat. you praise and worship with an MP3 playing in the back. no band no nothing and its because the guitarist just didnt want to come to church that day.
i want something better for the church. im tired of this. God. where are you? you put this church in my hands....yet no one is here....
it hurts so bad. my biggest dreams to serve you get crushed once a week. where is everyone? where am i? is my life worht it if i cant even save a single soul? is my life worth it if God can not use me because i am incompetent?
my faith....is the only ting i have left. i hope it never leaves me. there is acutally something that makes me happier then you kimmy...and its seeing a soul get saved. and they commit their life to christ.
im so sad. i was given the repsonsibility to lead a youth group and i keep failing.
i feel so empty. i feel so sad. i feel so cold. i feel so lonely. no one will talk to me....no one will listen. this summer is the worst summer ever. i just want it to end. i just want to be held right now. i just want to be comforted. whats happening to me? i feel so depressed? im worth nothing....nobody wants me.
God where are you? do you still want me?
Monday, July 19, 2010
whats wrong with the world?
why does the world gotta be so evil and mean....
cant we all jsut get a long!!!! im tired of the cussing. im tired of the pain. im tired of the sorrow. but most of all im tired of me! i always feel so freakin empty! i dont know what i want anymore....
i see kimmy...and i want her so bad. but she does not want me. i see sena and she wants me but i dont want her.....i tried to want and like sena...but i only think about you.....i hate this. why cant i move on?
can i just not deal with girls anymore? can i just love God and only love God??? can i just stop sinning? can i just stop watching things taht i shouldnt watch? can i be nicer to people? cant i be a hard worker? cant i be smarter? cant i be stronger? im tired of being me!
nothing about me is good! kimmy doesnt want me so i dont want me either! i only want what she wants.
i will be anything she wants me to be.....in the end it doesnt matter. because at the end of the day....my arms remain empty. my heart is left empty. no girl can take your place.........................but i wish some girl did. because i know youre not gonna come back. i just wish you would. i just want someone to hold. i just want to hold you...your love. but most of all Lord, let me never break a heart ever again.
cant we all jsut get a long!!!! im tired of the cussing. im tired of the pain. im tired of the sorrow. but most of all im tired of me! i always feel so freakin empty! i dont know what i want anymore....
i see kimmy...and i want her so bad. but she does not want me. i see sena and she wants me but i dont want her.....i tried to want and like sena...but i only think about you.....i hate this. why cant i move on?
can i just not deal with girls anymore? can i just love God and only love God??? can i just stop sinning? can i just stop watching things taht i shouldnt watch? can i be nicer to people? cant i be a hard worker? cant i be smarter? cant i be stronger? im tired of being me!
nothing about me is good! kimmy doesnt want me so i dont want me either! i only want what she wants.
i will be anything she wants me to be.....in the end it doesnt matter. because at the end of the day....my arms remain empty. my heart is left empty. no girl can take your place.........................but i wish some girl did. because i know youre not gonna come back. i just wish you would. i just want someone to hold. i just want to hold you...your love. but most of all Lord, let me never break a heart ever again.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
allen and youth group
today i had to cancel my plans with my friend kevin because i wanted to hang out iwth a new friend of mine, allen. he went with me to tahoe and hes been teaching me chinese and stuff. hes only gonna be here for a couple more days so it only made sense to give an entire day to him.
hes such a nice guy. but yea. we watched despicable me today! it was pretty good...it was too cute for me though. i was like, wheres the action!?!?!? but yea....this week has been exciting and sad and surprising. started off painfully froma sprained ankle then to a fun recording shoot with kevin, then to the death of my good friend's father, followed by funeral then a surprise trip to lake tahoe and finally a day to hang out with my new friend allen.
i was sad taht i didnt go to youth group today...im kinda scared actually. cuz now that kimmy doesnt wanna talk to me...i have no one that will talk to me at youth group. in the end she was the only one that would ever talk to me and keep me company. it jsut wont feel the same...im scared to go but i want to go. i want to go because of God not because of her. and thats how it was from the beginning. but i know she doesnt want to see me...so maybe i should just stop going...i never really felt accepted there....i wish i was though.
im curious to see what the future has in store for someone like me....i feel usless and stupid.
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.
2 Timothy 1:7 (NLT) "
hes such a nice guy. but yea. we watched despicable me today! it was pretty good...it was too cute for me though. i was like, wheres the action!?!?!? but yea....this week has been exciting and sad and surprising. started off painfully froma sprained ankle then to a fun recording shoot with kevin, then to the death of my good friend's father, followed by funeral then a surprise trip to lake tahoe and finally a day to hang out with my new friend allen.
i was sad taht i didnt go to youth group today...im kinda scared actually. cuz now that kimmy doesnt wanna talk to me...i have no one that will talk to me at youth group. in the end she was the only one that would ever talk to me and keep me company. it jsut wont feel the same...im scared to go but i want to go. i want to go because of God not because of her. and thats how it was from the beginning. but i know she doesnt want to see me...so maybe i should just stop going...i never really felt accepted there....i wish i was though.
im curious to see what the future has in store for someone like me....i feel usless and stupid.
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.
2 Timothy 1:7 (NLT) "
Saturday, July 17, 2010
EXCITING
tuesday night...i went to bed at like 3 am cuz i was discussing with kevin the video and what time the release would be. he said he would release it wednesday night. if you ahvent watched it tehn watch it!!!! LOL its pretty funny. i had a lot of fun making it. so yeee!
anyways....i woke up wed. at 11 to my mom. she yelled, hey samuel! wake up! youa re going to lake tahoe!!!
and i was like what!? she said, youre coming back on friday! and iw as like when was this? why didnt you tell me!? and she said its last minute.
apparently her really good friend, aunty Liu, has her niece visit america. and he wanted to practice his english with someone so my mom insisted taht i go. i was like what!? so i went...cuz my mom really wanted me to go. i didnt know any of them! so i got my stuff packed and i left. the nieces name is allen.
anywyas. Aunty Liu is the craziest driver in the world...she was trying to make a right turn while she was in the most left lane!!! and she almost ran ten stop lights...the scariest driver i have ever met! shes always rushing!!!
anyways. i waited at aunty's house for three other people that were goign with us. so in the end six people went including me...but non of them knew english except me!!! allen knew enough english to talk to me though. his english is surprisingly good!
let me describe the crew. so we have a pastor from taiwan who is about 6o and then we have a 76 year old man from nantou, taiwan, which is my dads home town. then you have a 70 year old lady which is aunty LIu whos always in a rush and loves to argue. then you ahve the pastor's wife whis is about 60 as well. all of them speak taiwanese and all of them argue....so imagine a 4 hour drive with a bunch of people you ahve never met before and they dont know english...you would imagine hell. i thought it was an amazing expericnce. first off. i love old people!!!
the 76 year old, who was the oldest of them all was named uncle Sam. we have teh same name! he was soo funny. he has half an index finger though due to an accident. but he was soo funny. we went to a casino and he just gamlbed the entire time when we came there to eat. and he said, im gonna die soon so i want to live life! lol and he laughed really hard. what a cute old man.
anyways.....the lake was beautiful...i wish a certain someone was tehre. i jsut looked at the lake. it was so clear. i went into the water for a little bit. it was cool and clean. i wish there wasa certain someone with me. i couldnt stop thinking of her. it was so painful to look at the lake cuz it just reminded me of her. i didnt sleep at all...becaust i couldnt stop thinking of her. i wish she was there. she wouldve loved it.
it was a beautiful view...it was the second most beautiful thing i ever saw. the first...was her.
well anwywas. allen and me are now really good friends. im gonna tke him to the movies tomorrow to watcha movie. we are like best buddies now. hes teaching me chinese and taiwanese. a guy i never knew just became a new best friend. in only two nights...we became so close. i showed a picture of her to him on my itouch and said, this is my ex. and he said, wow...shes hot! and i was like...i know. LOL
anywho...taht jsut made me miss you whole lot more. i asked hime what kind of girl he liked...he showed me a picture of taylor swift. it made me laugh!
he showed me a song called you belogn with me by taylor swift...its now my nef favorite song....i put it on my tumblr. i know its girly but i dont care! it describes how i feel in every way! so yea. haha this trip just confirmed it all......................................................i can not get over you.
i had no faith in you....and thats why i lost you. im so dumb.
Matthew 14:31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"
anyways....i woke up wed. at 11 to my mom. she yelled, hey samuel! wake up! youa re going to lake tahoe!!!
and i was like what!? she said, youre coming back on friday! and iw as like when was this? why didnt you tell me!? and she said its last minute.
apparently her really good friend, aunty Liu, has her niece visit america. and he wanted to practice his english with someone so my mom insisted taht i go. i was like what!? so i went...cuz my mom really wanted me to go. i didnt know any of them! so i got my stuff packed and i left. the nieces name is allen.
anywyas. Aunty Liu is the craziest driver in the world...she was trying to make a right turn while she was in the most left lane!!! and she almost ran ten stop lights...the scariest driver i have ever met! shes always rushing!!!
anyways. i waited at aunty's house for three other people that were goign with us. so in the end six people went including me...but non of them knew english except me!!! allen knew enough english to talk to me though. his english is surprisingly good!
let me describe the crew. so we have a pastor from taiwan who is about 6o and then we have a 76 year old man from nantou, taiwan, which is my dads home town. then you have a 70 year old lady which is aunty LIu whos always in a rush and loves to argue. then you ahve the pastor's wife whis is about 60 as well. all of them speak taiwanese and all of them argue....so imagine a 4 hour drive with a bunch of people you ahve never met before and they dont know english...you would imagine hell. i thought it was an amazing expericnce. first off. i love old people!!!
the 76 year old, who was the oldest of them all was named uncle Sam. we have teh same name! he was soo funny. he has half an index finger though due to an accident. but he was soo funny. we went to a casino and he just gamlbed the entire time when we came there to eat. and he said, im gonna die soon so i want to live life! lol and he laughed really hard. what a cute old man.
anyways.....the lake was beautiful...i wish a certain someone was tehre. i jsut looked at the lake. it was so clear. i went into the water for a little bit. it was cool and clean. i wish there wasa certain someone with me. i couldnt stop thinking of her. it was so painful to look at the lake cuz it just reminded me of her. i didnt sleep at all...becaust i couldnt stop thinking of her. i wish she was there. she wouldve loved it.
it was a beautiful view...it was the second most beautiful thing i ever saw. the first...was her.
well anwywas. allen and me are now really good friends. im gonna tke him to the movies tomorrow to watcha movie. we are like best buddies now. hes teaching me chinese and taiwanese. a guy i never knew just became a new best friend. in only two nights...we became so close. i showed a picture of her to him on my itouch and said, this is my ex. and he said, wow...shes hot! and i was like...i know. LOL
anywho...taht jsut made me miss you whole lot more. i asked hime what kind of girl he liked...he showed me a picture of taylor swift. it made me laugh!
he showed me a song called you belogn with me by taylor swift...its now my nef favorite song....i put it on my tumblr. i know its girly but i dont care! it describes how i feel in every way! so yea. haha this trip just confirmed it all......................................................i can not get over you.
i had no faith in you....and thats why i lost you. im so dumb.
Matthew 14:31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
what an awfully great adventure
one of my good friends, connie lii,has lost something precious of hers. her father.
i remember the good old days with her....i met her at a church conference. she was to me...jsut anotehr girl at first. during one of the sermons she was shivering so i gave her my jacket......and she was happy. after taht we became good friends. then things went by storm. we fell in love.
then all of a sudden someone i never even knew before became so important to my life. after that her family started to go to my church...her fatehr got baptised at my church after being diagnosed with cancer. her mother loved my parents and came to the church when she could. i later found out her dad grew up with my dad. they both came from the city in taiwan...nantou. and since my dad's father was teh governer of nantou connies dad knew my dad. because of this...her parents liked me a lot.
i never got to know connies father that well....he never talked taht much after getting cancer. he was such a great father. at first no doctor could diagnose connies father's illness....no one knew what it was. my dad was the first to find out what it was. he knew it was cancer.
connie had only recently become christian back then and we were in love. i would daily give her bible verses and talk to her about God. she would sing me to sleep over the phone and we would often talk all nigth over the phone. everything seemed perfect....it was like a living fantasy. then one day she went to washington. and upon return....she told me she never wanted to talk to me again.
my heart was broken. just how its been the past few months. it feels like de ja vu. anyways. connie and i have not talked since then. until today. at the funeral. she saw me....i gave respects to the father and family and i went up to her and gave her a hug. it was the first time i had seen her....in over two years. i tried looking past those tears of hers.....she whispered....thanks for coming.
kimmy....i dont want what has happened between connie and i to happen between you and me. i want to be your friend. i dont want to all of a sudden completely stop talking to you and then wait for one of your parent's to die to finally talk and see each otehr again. what will it take to be your friend? i dont know...
i think it was a suprise to her that i was there. i was surprised i was there. if my fatehr was not speaking at the funeral then i would have never went. im sorry connie....i dont know what to say to you. after all, you do have a boyfriend right now. i have no right to comfort you in anyway. let J.B. do it for you. hes a good boyfriend. i do not wish to intrued on your life. and as you have asked...i will stay out of it. your father is up in heaven. i will be praying for your family.
seeing her father in that casket....dead cold.....was such an awakening experience. what does life mean? what does it mean to live? when i die...where will i go? will there anyone care when i die or will my funeral be empty? what does a soul mean? what does a life mean to God?
what does it mean to die?
all i know is taht no one really knows what its like to die....beacuse no one really comes back from the dead to tell the tale. i can make a good guess though....to die...will be an awfully great adventure. Connie, your dad is up in heaven now. hes looking down at you with a big smile on his face....and hes proud and pleased with you in all ways.
going to this funeral made me think. if my mom died at this very instant....what would happen? how much does my mom mean to me.....how much does your mom mean to you??
how much does your father mean to you? the value of a person's soul is priceless....death is something of great mysteries. its the end of a beginning and the beginning of eternity.
falling in love was great....but its time for me to put my past behind me....and let it die. i want to become a new and better person. im tired of being confined to the things of this world. i want to be a servant of God. i want to be able to heal the wounded and heal the sick. show Gods love! i want to be able to ressurect the dead through the power of God!
is there hope? where is my faith? where have i gone wrong? do you not want the same thing? to be happy in all ways through God!?
girls....for some reason...they just dont like me. no one has hurt me more tehn girls.....yet i always come running back to them. im done. Im running towards you now God. make me whole...and make me complete. take this life of mine and let it die...but give me a new body and soul and mind. Because LORD...no matter what...you will never do me wrong. you will always protect me...always love me....no girl will be able to compete with your love. im yours LORD so take me...and break me...then remake me into what you will.
“And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.” (Romans 12:2)
i remember the good old days with her....i met her at a church conference. she was to me...jsut anotehr girl at first. during one of the sermons she was shivering so i gave her my jacket......and she was happy. after taht we became good friends. then things went by storm. we fell in love.
then all of a sudden someone i never even knew before became so important to my life. after that her family started to go to my church...her fatehr got baptised at my church after being diagnosed with cancer. her mother loved my parents and came to the church when she could. i later found out her dad grew up with my dad. they both came from the city in taiwan...nantou. and since my dad's father was teh governer of nantou connies dad knew my dad. because of this...her parents liked me a lot.
i never got to know connies father that well....he never talked taht much after getting cancer. he was such a great father. at first no doctor could diagnose connies father's illness....no one knew what it was. my dad was the first to find out what it was. he knew it was cancer.
connie had only recently become christian back then and we were in love. i would daily give her bible verses and talk to her about God. she would sing me to sleep over the phone and we would often talk all nigth over the phone. everything seemed perfect....it was like a living fantasy. then one day she went to washington. and upon return....she told me she never wanted to talk to me again.
my heart was broken. just how its been the past few months. it feels like de ja vu. anyways. connie and i have not talked since then. until today. at the funeral. she saw me....i gave respects to the father and family and i went up to her and gave her a hug. it was the first time i had seen her....in over two years. i tried looking past those tears of hers.....she whispered....thanks for coming.
kimmy....i dont want what has happened between connie and i to happen between you and me. i want to be your friend. i dont want to all of a sudden completely stop talking to you and then wait for one of your parent's to die to finally talk and see each otehr again. what will it take to be your friend? i dont know...
i think it was a suprise to her that i was there. i was surprised i was there. if my fatehr was not speaking at the funeral then i would have never went. im sorry connie....i dont know what to say to you. after all, you do have a boyfriend right now. i have no right to comfort you in anyway. let J.B. do it for you. hes a good boyfriend. i do not wish to intrued on your life. and as you have asked...i will stay out of it. your father is up in heaven. i will be praying for your family.
seeing her father in that casket....dead cold.....was such an awakening experience. what does life mean? what does it mean to live? when i die...where will i go? will there anyone care when i die or will my funeral be empty? what does a soul mean? what does a life mean to God?
what does it mean to die?
all i know is taht no one really knows what its like to die....beacuse no one really comes back from the dead to tell the tale. i can make a good guess though....to die...will be an awfully great adventure. Connie, your dad is up in heaven now. hes looking down at you with a big smile on his face....and hes proud and pleased with you in all ways.
going to this funeral made me think. if my mom died at this very instant....what would happen? how much does my mom mean to me.....how much does your mom mean to you??
how much does your father mean to you? the value of a person's soul is priceless....death is something of great mysteries. its the end of a beginning and the beginning of eternity.
falling in love was great....but its time for me to put my past behind me....and let it die. i want to become a new and better person. im tired of being confined to the things of this world. i want to be a servant of God. i want to be able to heal the wounded and heal the sick. show Gods love! i want to be able to ressurect the dead through the power of God!
is there hope? where is my faith? where have i gone wrong? do you not want the same thing? to be happy in all ways through God!?
girls....for some reason...they just dont like me. no one has hurt me more tehn girls.....yet i always come running back to them. im done. Im running towards you now God. make me whole...and make me complete. take this life of mine and let it die...but give me a new body and soul and mind. Because LORD...no matter what...you will never do me wrong. you will always protect me...always love me....no girl will be able to compete with your love. im yours LORD so take me...and break me...then remake me into what you will.
“And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.” (Romans 12:2)
Monday, July 12, 2010
cruthces
these crutches i have, have become my closest friends. theyre always giving me support and helping me. they lift me up so i can walk and push me to keep going faster. they make the pain go away and allow me to live normally. i have such good friends. i dont need to be sad.
i think about my friends. i think about caleb. i think about my family. and i think about God. and i just want to beat myself up. i have been so sad for the past month that u have made my family, my friends, caleb, and God worry about me. i need to shape up...i'll be okay. you know why? because im throwing down those crutches so i can walk on my own. people have been my crutches the day i couldnt stop getting over her. its time for me to put those crutches down. shes happy without me, and thats a fact taht im just going to have to live with.
i have been suffering but with due time it will pass. and suffering makes a man stronger. no matter how bad it is. these months have been loooong and painful but i feel stronger already. im ready for the next battle and what God has in store for me.
my family loves me so much. my friends care about me so much. Caleb looks up to me so much. God is with me so much. i am loved so much and perfectly made. I have no time to be sad. i only have time to be happy and helping others.
good bye crutches. its time you help lift someone else up and carry them.
1 Peter 5:10 " But the God of all grace, ... after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you"
i think about my friends. i think about caleb. i think about my family. and i think about God. and i just want to beat myself up. i have been so sad for the past month that u have made my family, my friends, caleb, and God worry about me. i need to shape up...i'll be okay. you know why? because im throwing down those crutches so i can walk on my own. people have been my crutches the day i couldnt stop getting over her. its time for me to put those crutches down. shes happy without me, and thats a fact taht im just going to have to live with.
i have been suffering but with due time it will pass. and suffering makes a man stronger. no matter how bad it is. these months have been loooong and painful but i feel stronger already. im ready for the next battle and what God has in store for me.
my family loves me so much. my friends care about me so much. Caleb looks up to me so much. God is with me so much. i am loved so much and perfectly made. I have no time to be sad. i only have time to be happy and helping others.
good bye crutches. its time you help lift someone else up and carry them.
1 Peter 5:10 " But the God of all grace, ... after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you"
Sunday, July 11, 2010
ow...
i hurt my leg.
i went to albany for my best friend justin's birthday party/picnic. it was a lot of fun. holly matsunami came and a whole bunch of justin's friends and family came. it was so much fun.
i learned a lot. i feel like i need to be more appreciatative of what i got. anywho. i threw justin's uncle's ball over the fence so i went to go get it. but there was a security code thing on the lock so i coudnt open it! so i decided to go jump over the fence to go get it. if you lose it...you have to find it. i would feel irresponsible and rude for not getting it. so i jumped off the fence and then i didnt see the concrete sidewalk on the floor when i landed so i landed really weird on my ankle....and it hurt...a loT!!! i went to get the ball....then i jumped back over the fence and fell on my back....cuz i couldnt land on my feet. then ten seconds later....someone opened the dooor!!! so if i waited...then i would have never gotten hurt. so yea...im not that smart.
so i pretty much missed out on the entire day after taht. cuz i couldnt walk....soi jsut sat there! T_T
but its my fault. i took a dump....and it was so awkward to wipe my butt....it hurt so bad! peeing was even worse.....i was peeing ike a dog cuz i couldnt put pressure on my leg!!!
after that i just sat in brennens car for sooo long. then we went to justin's uncle's house. his name is steven btw. and steven gave me his crutches so i could walk. then i tried walking up the stairs with his crutches and fell straight forward on my face. and that hurt. i feel like weakling. i love helping people but i dont like it when people help me. i dont want to be a burden for others....i felt like sucha burden on brennens family and his uncle's family...
i got home around 11:50. i had a hard time sleeping cuz my foot was throbbing. afterwards....i woke up this morning to notice that the swelling had gone down a lot. you shoulda ssen my foot yesterday! my toes looked like giant jelly beans and my ankle loooked like it had a giant baseball in it....it hurt so much! im glad its healing up fast. thanks to God! :D
im sad im missing church this morning. i dont like missing church. i need to grow closer to God...
this trip to albany really cheered me up. except friday night i didnt sleep at all...so i just stayed on the itouch all night. and i was looking at pictures of my friend kimmy and i. and gosh....i missed her a lot all of a sudden. and i came to the conclusion that i really cant ever let her go. then i got really sad. like...i wondered what i have done wrong. i made a list in my head. but no matter how many lists i make...she wont ever want me back. thats the part taht really made me sad. she still doesnt know how much she hurt me...she never will. she wouldnt be able to comprehend it. and besides...i dont want her to know how much she hurt me. my ankle....and how much it hurts does not compare to how much she hurt me. if she knew how much she hurt me...she wouldnt be happy. thats why i dont want her to know. how am i supposed to get over you now!? the only way i could get over her is if i leave the house...but i cant walk and i cant drive...so now....it hurts taht much more. jsut wehn i thought i was gonna be done with her forever...shes back and she wont go away. i keep repeating her flaws in my head so i will stop liking her....but in the end i come up with more perfections that she had and by the time i name all the flaws, i see those flaws as perfections of her as well because her flaws are the things that i rememebr the most about her and her flaws are the things that made me so happy and are the things that made me laugh the most. so in the end...all i think in about in my head is say how perfect she is. which isnt helping me....it hurts so bad though cuz i know she doesnt feel the same way. but it hurts so good. i cant help but think about her.
i tried looking for other girls to cheer me up....but its not working. cuz none of them are her. soooo it wont work out. forget girls. im tired of them. im gonna do my best to take care of my family and friends and focus on whats really important in my life....GOD.
when it comes to my foot...and when it comes to her...all i can say is ow.
hence the name of this blog. no more tears....no more pain. i cant take it anymore. i have been saying ow the entire way. why you did this to me...i will never know...just give it time and time will show.
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."
Revelation 21:4
i went to albany for my best friend justin's birthday party/picnic. it was a lot of fun. holly matsunami came and a whole bunch of justin's friends and family came. it was so much fun.
i learned a lot. i feel like i need to be more appreciatative of what i got. anywho. i threw justin's uncle's ball over the fence so i went to go get it. but there was a security code thing on the lock so i coudnt open it! so i decided to go jump over the fence to go get it. if you lose it...you have to find it. i would feel irresponsible and rude for not getting it. so i jumped off the fence and then i didnt see the concrete sidewalk on the floor when i landed so i landed really weird on my ankle....and it hurt...a loT!!! i went to get the ball....then i jumped back over the fence and fell on my back....cuz i couldnt land on my feet. then ten seconds later....someone opened the dooor!!! so if i waited...then i would have never gotten hurt. so yea...im not that smart.
so i pretty much missed out on the entire day after taht. cuz i couldnt walk....soi jsut sat there! T_T
but its my fault. i took a dump....and it was so awkward to wipe my butt....it hurt so bad! peeing was even worse.....i was peeing ike a dog cuz i couldnt put pressure on my leg!!!
after that i just sat in brennens car for sooo long. then we went to justin's uncle's house. his name is steven btw. and steven gave me his crutches so i could walk. then i tried walking up the stairs with his crutches and fell straight forward on my face. and that hurt. i feel like weakling. i love helping people but i dont like it when people help me. i dont want to be a burden for others....i felt like sucha burden on brennens family and his uncle's family...
i got home around 11:50. i had a hard time sleeping cuz my foot was throbbing. afterwards....i woke up this morning to notice that the swelling had gone down a lot. you shoulda ssen my foot yesterday! my toes looked like giant jelly beans and my ankle loooked like it had a giant baseball in it....it hurt so much! im glad its healing up fast. thanks to God! :D
im sad im missing church this morning. i dont like missing church. i need to grow closer to God...
this trip to albany really cheered me up. except friday night i didnt sleep at all...so i just stayed on the itouch all night. and i was looking at pictures of my friend kimmy and i. and gosh....i missed her a lot all of a sudden. and i came to the conclusion that i really cant ever let her go. then i got really sad. like...i wondered what i have done wrong. i made a list in my head. but no matter how many lists i make...she wont ever want me back. thats the part taht really made me sad. she still doesnt know how much she hurt me...she never will. she wouldnt be able to comprehend it. and besides...i dont want her to know how much she hurt me. my ankle....and how much it hurts does not compare to how much she hurt me. if she knew how much she hurt me...she wouldnt be happy. thats why i dont want her to know. how am i supposed to get over you now!? the only way i could get over her is if i leave the house...but i cant walk and i cant drive...so now....it hurts taht much more. jsut wehn i thought i was gonna be done with her forever...shes back and she wont go away. i keep repeating her flaws in my head so i will stop liking her....but in the end i come up with more perfections that she had and by the time i name all the flaws, i see those flaws as perfections of her as well because her flaws are the things that i rememebr the most about her and her flaws are the things that made me so happy and are the things that made me laugh the most. so in the end...all i think in about in my head is say how perfect she is. which isnt helping me....it hurts so bad though cuz i know she doesnt feel the same way. but it hurts so good. i cant help but think about her.
i tried looking for other girls to cheer me up....but its not working. cuz none of them are her. soooo it wont work out. forget girls. im tired of them. im gonna do my best to take care of my family and friends and focus on whats really important in my life....GOD.
when it comes to my foot...and when it comes to her...all i can say is ow.
hence the name of this blog. no more tears....no more pain. i cant take it anymore. i have been saying ow the entire way. why you did this to me...i will never know...just give it time and time will show.
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."
Revelation 21:4
Friday, July 9, 2010
GOOD DAY TODAY!!!!!
today i went to my best friend's house! it was kevin. haha or KAzamm. i prefer kevin though. hes been my best friend since 5th grade. my other best friend is justin duong. im sleeping over at his place in albany tomorrow! YES! haha its his bday!
theey are both such good friends. im blessed. they have been really helping me through these hard times.
i recorded at his house today! it was sooo fun! we were laughing and everything. aww man. best day of summer so far. i feel genuinely happy.
i cleaned up my house today! idid so much today! i went to home depot to buy cleaning msterials for cars. cuz i wanna wash cars. then i foung mirros taht were super cheap they were those really big ones! the ones where you can see your WHOLE body. it was four bucks each! sooooi bought two! i installed them as soon as i got home! my family was happy to see it! my dad and mom came home early today! im so happy to see them this home this early and ready to go to sleep! they are so old now...i worry about them a lot.....they never sleep cuz they are always working and helping people.
i usually clean when im in turmoil. or when im really sad or upset. and i cleaned a lot!!!! so that means i must have been really sad or mad. when i clean...it cheers me up!!!!!!
im so happy today. i havent been this happy in such a long time...it feels so good!!!!
HAHAHAHA
but yea. i feel great.
still dont get her though! HAHA she confuses me so much. but its whatever. shes not thinking about me...im not thinking about her. so its all good :D
theey are both such good friends. im blessed. they have been really helping me through these hard times.
i recorded at his house today! it was sooo fun! we were laughing and everything. aww man. best day of summer so far. i feel genuinely happy.
i cleaned up my house today! idid so much today! i went to home depot to buy cleaning msterials for cars. cuz i wanna wash cars. then i foung mirros taht were super cheap they were those really big ones! the ones where you can see your WHOLE body. it was four bucks each! sooooi bought two! i installed them as soon as i got home! my family was happy to see it! my dad and mom came home early today! im so happy to see them this home this early and ready to go to sleep! they are so old now...i worry about them a lot.....they never sleep cuz they are always working and helping people.
i usually clean when im in turmoil. or when im really sad or upset. and i cleaned a lot!!!! so that means i must have been really sad or mad. when i clean...it cheers me up!!!!!!
im so happy today. i havent been this happy in such a long time...it feels so good!!!!
HAHAHAHA
but yea. i feel great.
still dont get her though! HAHA she confuses me so much. but its whatever. shes not thinking about me...im not thinking about her. so its all good :D
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
time
time goes by too slow...it inches by. all of a sudden...life doesnt seem worth living. i hate being this depressed.
i wish i could be happier. i go from happy to sad. then from sad to happy.
i told my mom i would work...but i didnt go.
i have sddenly lost the urge to do anything.
i feel lazy....and i feel wothless and useless.
i am not happy with the person i am and i am not happy with the person i am becoming. i want to change.
i wish i could be happier. i go from happy to sad. then from sad to happy.
i told my mom i would work...but i didnt go.
i have sddenly lost the urge to do anything.
i feel lazy....and i feel wothless and useless.
i am not happy with the person i am and i am not happy with the person i am becoming. i want to change.
new beginnings
haha...i guess it does get better before it gets worse.
i talked to someone today. and she makes me really happy. haha we have been talking all night. shes helped me get my mind off kimmy. im in a much better mood now. :)
i talked to someone today. and she makes me really happy. haha we have been talking all night. shes helped me get my mind off kimmy. im in a much better mood now. :)
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
we "hung" out
we hung out....and i gotta say taht was the longest 30 minutes of my life....
every single second...i wanted to say something. i wanted to yell. i wanted to scream. i wanted to cry. i wanted to hit something. i jsut couldnt get it out though. i couldnt find the words to tell you how i felt.
now that i think about it...i always had trouble telling you how i really felt. i have always gotten too nervous about what you might say or what you might think....man. love stinks. when you love someone and they dont love you back!!! its the worst feeling in the world! i hope you will never feel that way. i hope i didnt make you feel that way....
dont worry about limiting our time together. and dont even dare try avoiding me. that will make friendship between you and me...that much worse. we are friends. so treat me like one and i will do the same. and thats it.
i dont know if i even want to hang out with you anymore....or even talk to you. it hurts too much. so thats why you dont gotta worry about limiting our time. if we never hang out...then whats there to limit?
you gave me back all my stuff...but to be honest. i dont want any of it. it jsut reminds me of you...and only you. and you deleted the text app on the itouch prbly cuz you didnt want me to know who you texted and what your texts were about. you got nothing to hide from me. im your friend not your enemy.
im giving you what you want so here it is
i was never enough for you...you were always so hard to please. you said i was hard to please? i gave you everything i had...and it still wasnt enough.
have a good life. and for you its prbly one that you dont want me involved in. it seems like you were always avoiding me. BUT WHY? if you never wanted me then you shoulda told me from the beginning! im starting to think...she led me on, she used me.
being your friend isnt what i want. but im willing to sacrifice what i want for you! love is sacfrice. God sacrificed his only begotten son for us. for our sins. he did it to demonstrate his ultimate and perfect love. i love you! and therefore thats enough for me! i dont care if you hate me! i dont care if you used me or led me on! i love you! and thats the only thing taht matters. when i die...thats what i will rememeber. when you die, thats what you will remember.
i just dont know what you want from me. im trying to be your friend...you said thats what you wanted! but you just keep pushing me away. the more you push...the more i just walk away. im not gonna pull. if you dont want me here. then i will leave. i wont fight back. im tired of fighting back. you dont want me to fight back.
i have always wanted what you wanted....i jsut never wanted this. i never wanted you to let me go....thats the only thing that i will never let myself want.
"Trust in the LORD and do good;
Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.
Delight yourself in the LORD;
And He will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD,
Trust also in Him, and He will do it.
Psalm 37:3-5"
my heart desires you kimmy....and i will remain faithful to you. i promise to you right now. i will never date another girl the rest of highschool ever...unless you come back to me. i may go to dances with other girls but i will never date them. you have my heart. and thats the only thing you did not return to me today. but just like you said when i asked, "did you want taht heart back?" and then you said, "no, its yours."
my heart is yours too kimmy. when you said that. it really spoke to me. it felt like you were trying to say..."my heart is yours" to me. well it prbly doesnt mean anything and you prbly didnt intend it to mean that...but thats what i heard.
my heart is and always will be yours kimmy. you are the only girl that i will be faithful to. you have become a part of me...and i cant let you go. so thats the truth. and i cant do anything about it. when you are in love...you are in love. no questions asked. the truths the truth, any changes made to the truth...is a lie.
every single second...i wanted to say something. i wanted to yell. i wanted to scream. i wanted to cry. i wanted to hit something. i jsut couldnt get it out though. i couldnt find the words to tell you how i felt.
now that i think about it...i always had trouble telling you how i really felt. i have always gotten too nervous about what you might say or what you might think....man. love stinks. when you love someone and they dont love you back!!! its the worst feeling in the world! i hope you will never feel that way. i hope i didnt make you feel that way....
dont worry about limiting our time together. and dont even dare try avoiding me. that will make friendship between you and me...that much worse. we are friends. so treat me like one and i will do the same. and thats it.
i dont know if i even want to hang out with you anymore....or even talk to you. it hurts too much. so thats why you dont gotta worry about limiting our time. if we never hang out...then whats there to limit?
you gave me back all my stuff...but to be honest. i dont want any of it. it jsut reminds me of you...and only you. and you deleted the text app on the itouch prbly cuz you didnt want me to know who you texted and what your texts were about. you got nothing to hide from me. im your friend not your enemy.
im giving you what you want so here it is
i was never enough for you...you were always so hard to please. you said i was hard to please? i gave you everything i had...and it still wasnt enough.
have a good life. and for you its prbly one that you dont want me involved in. it seems like you were always avoiding me. BUT WHY? if you never wanted me then you shoulda told me from the beginning! im starting to think...she led me on, she used me.
being your friend isnt what i want. but im willing to sacrifice what i want for you! love is sacfrice. God sacrificed his only begotten son for us. for our sins. he did it to demonstrate his ultimate and perfect love. i love you! and therefore thats enough for me! i dont care if you hate me! i dont care if you used me or led me on! i love you! and thats the only thing taht matters. when i die...thats what i will rememeber. when you die, thats what you will remember.
i just dont know what you want from me. im trying to be your friend...you said thats what you wanted! but you just keep pushing me away. the more you push...the more i just walk away. im not gonna pull. if you dont want me here. then i will leave. i wont fight back. im tired of fighting back. you dont want me to fight back.
i have always wanted what you wanted....i jsut never wanted this. i never wanted you to let me go....thats the only thing that i will never let myself want.
"Trust in the LORD and do good;
Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.
Delight yourself in the LORD;
And He will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD,
Trust also in Him, and He will do it.
Psalm 37:3-5"
my heart desires you kimmy....and i will remain faithful to you. i promise to you right now. i will never date another girl the rest of highschool ever...unless you come back to me. i may go to dances with other girls but i will never date them. you have my heart. and thats the only thing you did not return to me today. but just like you said when i asked, "did you want taht heart back?" and then you said, "no, its yours."
my heart is yours too kimmy. when you said that. it really spoke to me. it felt like you were trying to say..."my heart is yours" to me. well it prbly doesnt mean anything and you prbly didnt intend it to mean that...but thats what i heard.
my heart is and always will be yours kimmy. you are the only girl that i will be faithful to. you have become a part of me...and i cant let you go. so thats the truth. and i cant do anything about it. when you are in love...you are in love. no questions asked. the truths the truth, any changes made to the truth...is a lie.
scared
im hanging out with my good friend kimmy today...to tell you the truth. i am scared to death. im not exactly excited but at the same time i am.
i know every second i spend with her...is jsut gonna hurt. but im still gonna treasure every moment with her like i always have. i treasure every moment with every person i meet.
we'll see what happens.
last night i waited for my sister to come home to watch a movie but she said to start with out her cuz she was at a friends house. so i started the movie to watch with my dad...but someone called him and he talked on the phone for like an hour so i fell asleep. so we ended up not watching. my dad is always too busy. but hes a good daddy even though he ignores me a lot. all because you ignore doesnt mean you dont care...well at least i think it is. its an oxymoron when i really think about it.
but anywho. i woke up early today to drive my sister to toyota to get her oil change. gonna go to kimmys house at 2 or 2:30...
this is only part one of my day. i will finish it later in a seperate blog. the second part shall have a bible verse! as promised. haha
i know every second i spend with her...is jsut gonna hurt. but im still gonna treasure every moment with her like i always have. i treasure every moment with every person i meet.
we'll see what happens.
last night i waited for my sister to come home to watch a movie but she said to start with out her cuz she was at a friends house. so i started the movie to watch with my dad...but someone called him and he talked on the phone for like an hour so i fell asleep. so we ended up not watching. my dad is always too busy. but hes a good daddy even though he ignores me a lot. all because you ignore doesnt mean you dont care...well at least i think it is. its an oxymoron when i really think about it.
but anywho. i woke up early today to drive my sister to toyota to get her oil change. gonna go to kimmys house at 2 or 2:30...
this is only part one of my day. i will finish it later in a seperate blog. the second part shall have a bible verse! as promised. haha
Monday, July 5, 2010
church
went to church and it was july 4th so nobody came. Everyone came late, including me. lol and we had the same amount of food that we always had so there was A LOT of extra. since everyone left early to watch fireworks i ahd to clean up all by myself. and i missed the fireworks. but its okay. If i didnt clean up then no one else would have done it. it got pretty lonely...but caleb kept me company. he didnt really talk...he just laughed a lot. i took him home at around 10:10. and the streets were packed with people. so i couldnt really drive...i eventually made it through.
when i got home...i was super tired. i havent been feeling like myself lately. i think its a combination of being sick and being really sad. idk, i hope it passes soon. lately, life hasnt been very kind to me...but it always gets worse before it gets better.
im such a bad person. and i dont know why im even on this planet. i wish i could just fly away from here. i hope i could be a great person when i grow up. i hope i can help people. i hope i can be happier. i hope that things get beter between me and my good friend kimmy. i hope i can just smile again without feeling bad.
"But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you."
Psalm 39:7
when i got home...i was super tired. i havent been feeling like myself lately. i think its a combination of being sick and being really sad. idk, i hope it passes soon. lately, life hasnt been very kind to me...but it always gets worse before it gets better.
im such a bad person. and i dont know why im even on this planet. i wish i could just fly away from here. i hope i could be a great person when i grow up. i hope i can help people. i hope i can be happier. i hope that things get beter between me and my good friend kimmy. i hope i can just smile again without feeling bad.
"But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you."
Psalm 39:7
Saturday, July 3, 2010
i havent blogged here in a while
i used to blog everyday....everyday she used to remind me to. lol she doesnt remind me anymore...but not her fault...NO COMP! HAHA but shes got an itouchbut its hard to use! this will be a blog for whats happened this week! HAHA its gonna be a little long!
my last post...i wish i could delete it..but its good for memories! it sounds cocky and stupid. i didnt throw that party....her friends did. i did nothing. i was jsut taking the credit. if they didnt come then the party wouldnt have been able to happen. i guesss i was jsut angry cuz my sis was yelling at me all week about it...then she exploded all over me after the party...then i texted kimmy...and said stupid stuff...then i said stupid stuff to jsutin and he talked to me for a long time. i love jsutin. bestest friend a guy could ask for.
so on thursday morning when i woke up...i had a morning wood....so i tried to cover it with our blanket cuz justin was right next to me. and he asked "why are you doing that!?" and i was like..."oh....uhhmm..no reason. im just cold doode! dont worry about it!"
then he points...you know where...and he starts laughing so hard! and i was like what!? so i look down and it was popping out throught the blanket. and i was like...aww man...my plan didnt work...it was so funny though.
I enjoy being a man! HAHA we get to make fun jokes.
anyways....friday i was supposed to hang out with kimmy but i read thet text wrong and cahnged it to monday but its okay cuz she had to hang out with brian. im glad youre hanging out with people over summer and socializing! haha i went to her house anwyasy though on friday to let her borrow my laptop cuz she doesnt have one..well she has one right now for a little bit....but anyways i just had a sudden urge to let her borrow it after thinking about her for a long time. LOL i do that a lot though. but yea...so i gave it to her but she said no. i think shes tired of me giving stuff to her...but im not! i was tired for a little bit...but now im reay to do it some more! HAHA i like giving things to her...she doesnt have much. then i asked if i could hang out with her and brian....but then i felt bad for asking cuz i was ruining their hang out time. but yea. then i drove her to panda ex. to meet up with them. hope they had fun! then i went to gemstop after which is right next to target. i statyed there for like an hour and bought a new game. its freaky! i wanna show kimmy. she will like it! HAHA okay she wont...cuz its scary...but its super interesting and its like a mystery thing on who did what..snd she likes those things. like criminal minds and stuff. i only like things that kimmy likes...lol weird huh?
anywho. this isnt about kimmy...no matter how much i would like it to be. becuase i could go on and on about her! LOL i like talking about her!;)
but yea. i have been playging that game and screaming! esther and i scream together! its so fun...cuz i will scream jsut ofr fun and she screams for no reason just because i screamed...!!! soooo funny!!! LOLOLOL
been having happy days!
i washed cars today! esthers and my dads. it was hot and fun! i washed it with uncle mike and auntie janet! i love those two soo much. they ARE the CUTEST couple in the world. uncle mike is everything i want to be when i grow up. hes holding the door open all the time...hes respectful...kind...genrous...humble...and loving. after hanging out with him for a whole day, it makes me hate myself. i want to be a better man cuz of him. the way he treats his wife...brings tears to my eyes. its so beautiful. thats what a couple should really look like. and it makes me th8ink about kimmy and what i could have done different. i could have done lots different. today he taught me so much about taking care of others and loving others. and i hope i can be just like him! i have learned my lesson.then we ate dinner for like two hours in a far away place...then that was it.now im tired! HAHA
i used to have a tradition of always ending with a bible verse...TImE TO CONTINUE THAT!!!! HAHA
"The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.
Psalm 23"
my last post...i wish i could delete it..but its good for memories! it sounds cocky and stupid. i didnt throw that party....her friends did. i did nothing. i was jsut taking the credit. if they didnt come then the party wouldnt have been able to happen. i guesss i was jsut angry cuz my sis was yelling at me all week about it...then she exploded all over me after the party...then i texted kimmy...and said stupid stuff...then i said stupid stuff to jsutin and he talked to me for a long time. i love jsutin. bestest friend a guy could ask for.
so on thursday morning when i woke up...i had a morning wood....so i tried to cover it with our blanket cuz justin was right next to me. and he asked "why are you doing that!?" and i was like..."oh....uhhmm..no reason. im just cold doode! dont worry about it!"
then he points...you know where...and he starts laughing so hard! and i was like what!? so i look down and it was popping out throught the blanket. and i was like...aww man...my plan didnt work...it was so funny though.
I enjoy being a man! HAHA we get to make fun jokes.
anyways....friday i was supposed to hang out with kimmy but i read thet text wrong and cahnged it to monday but its okay cuz she had to hang out with brian. im glad youre hanging out with people over summer and socializing! haha i went to her house anwyasy though on friday to let her borrow my laptop cuz she doesnt have one..well she has one right now for a little bit....but anyways i just had a sudden urge to let her borrow it after thinking about her for a long time. LOL i do that a lot though. but yea...so i gave it to her but she said no. i think shes tired of me giving stuff to her...but im not! i was tired for a little bit...but now im reay to do it some more! HAHA i like giving things to her...she doesnt have much. then i asked if i could hang out with her and brian....but then i felt bad for asking cuz i was ruining their hang out time. but yea. then i drove her to panda ex. to meet up with them. hope they had fun! then i went to gemstop after which is right next to target. i statyed there for like an hour and bought a new game. its freaky! i wanna show kimmy. she will like it! HAHA okay she wont...cuz its scary...but its super interesting and its like a mystery thing on who did what..snd she likes those things. like criminal minds and stuff. i only like things that kimmy likes...lol weird huh?
anywho. this isnt about kimmy...no matter how much i would like it to be. becuase i could go on and on about her! LOL i like talking about her!;)
but yea. i have been playging that game and screaming! esther and i scream together! its so fun...cuz i will scream jsut ofr fun and she screams for no reason just because i screamed...!!! soooo funny!!! LOLOLOL
been having happy days!
i washed cars today! esthers and my dads. it was hot and fun! i washed it with uncle mike and auntie janet! i love those two soo much. they ARE the CUTEST couple in the world. uncle mike is everything i want to be when i grow up. hes holding the door open all the time...hes respectful...kind...genrous...humble...and loving. after hanging out with him for a whole day, it makes me hate myself. i want to be a better man cuz of him. the way he treats his wife...brings tears to my eyes. its so beautiful. thats what a couple should really look like. and it makes me th8ink about kimmy and what i could have done different. i could have done lots different. today he taught me so much about taking care of others and loving others. and i hope i can be just like him! i have learned my lesson.then we ate dinner for like two hours in a far away place...then that was it.now im tired! HAHA
i used to have a tradition of always ending with a bible verse...TImE TO CONTINUE THAT!!!! HAHA
"The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.
Psalm 23"
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