justin

yo justin this post is for you. when i first met you i thought you were scary.i thought you were too cool for me. hey, i guess it turned out we became the best of friends. most would argue more then friends, in fact some say we are brothers. and thats why i say it loud and clear that im proud to open my house to you. my house aint the best and it means the world to me that youre coming to live under my house not because the way it looks or for how nice it is but for the people in it. i respect you in more ways then one. and i cant wait for all the fun that we'll have and the deep convos that will happen. lately, i have been needing someone to talk to. youre the only one i talk to about my problems. and with things so bad with me and kimmy, damn...i wish you were here. i really wish you were here. i hate how i got nothing better to do so think about her. when you were around all i wanted to do was hang out with you and not kimmy. and now yall are both gone so i gots no one. and my family isnt enuff right now because theyre too busy with their own worlds. i miss you justin, i miss you like a brother. cuz im dying and sadly no one would undersatnd it better then you. you knew me better and were there for me more then kimmy ever was. i just wanted to make things okay with her and now i think i gone crazy cuz i feel like i hate her. and i hate this feeling cuz i dont wanna hate her. im goin back on my word from the promise that i made to God that i would never hate a soul. so i wont go back on my word, but i pray that you will move in soon. until then i still wont wake up till noon. i just keep sleeping cuz i feel like i got nothing else to do....and i feel worthless. i need to talk to you. kimmy makes me seem like the enemy and it kills me because no ones on my side and for a while you werent on my side eitehr. you were on kimmys..."just get over her sam, she wants it too." i understand that part. but the fact is she gave up on me and she said she wouldnt and she said we'd be friends and she left me. and i feel so alone right now, i wish i could talk to you now. but your fone is getting cancelled and your focusing on holly right now. and thats cool. im happy that youre together. shes a good girl. and youre a good guy. you belong together. you and i was supposed to go on double dates with kimmy and holly and i, remember? but i guess taht wont happen cuz kimmy wants nothing of me. i wish i could talk to you.

but above all i wish i could be there for you. i know youre stressin with your mom and your dad and your family out in albany. and after all you done for me i feel bad cuz i cant be there for you right now. and its sad, because youre my bro yet i cant be tehre for you even when you need me. so i cant wait till you move in so i can help you. i miss the old days where we would kick it and didnt have to worry about the worlds opinions. but now im stuck with all the drama and the clique backstabbing words of my ex. which hurts like you wouldnt believe. i wish i could talk to someone about how i feel, see that used to be kimmy but she wont listen. at least i kno when i talk to you that you will take it in and you will try to help me. and i need that right now. help. i want to be her friend. and you are my best friend. and i just wish you were here right now cuz doode i feel so alone. you were always my role model and im sorry if i hurt you cuz i never meant to.

i guess what im trying to say is that im heartbroken. and i just need someone to talk to because no ones here for me. i try so hard to forget her taht i can feel blood rushing through my veins. and my veins feel like tehre gonna pop. think about holly and how much youre in love, now imagine her completely cutting you off and treating you like a rock. she ignores you and then she leads you on. its a viscious cycle and it never ends till she says "the END". now im sitting here in my room holding the boook she let me borrow called purity. i try to read it but i cant, see its what she stole from me. its whati stole from her and its time i give it back. its time i give her back her purity. its time i give her back this damn book thats been haunting me. she let me borrow it because she knew i needed it, but it just sat on my desk like a lamp staring at me gathering up dust. it was the light but i didnt want to look up at the light because i knew thered' be demons i had to fight. and i couldnt face my demons because they was too strong and now im covered tears soaking wet in sweat. i look up and all i see her. the lust is gone and so are the demons. and whats left of her is her beautiful smile. do you get what im saying? im still in love with her. them, what do you expect of me when i fall in love. im gonna give that person my all whether they are tall or if they're small. i gave kimmy my all and it felt like only a few seconds before she started ignoring me and avoiding me. you see shes too young, she doesnt know how to talk it out. she doesnt kno how to listen which is why here mom goes insane. i told her jsut let me talk, and she said, no i dont wanna hear it i kno what youre gonna say. and i said alrigth fine then i wont say it. i was weak. i didnt want to hurt her. i jsut wanted to give to her everything she wanted and i wanted to tell her how much i loved her and all i knew that she left me to do was to say not how i felt but show it. and thats what i did...i showed it everyday but it still wasnt enuff to make her stay. holding taht jacket she gave me in my hands with my stains on it and wow it trips me out. i cant believe i let myself do that to her. i see the shirt she bought me and i cant wear it because its like when i wear it shes clawing at my back so i gotta take it off because i just cant stop thinking about her. and its driving me crazy because i need someone to talk to and get it all straight but you arent here right now so i gotta blog it all out. maybe ill show you this later and maybe ill even read it out loud. i know you care about holly so dont back out now. show her how you feel. cuz i know holly wont cut you off like kimmy did, why? cuz shes more mature. and im not trying to diss kimmy, hell she will even admit it. and i dont feel bad for saying it beacuse thats why i loved her in the first place. she was young, naive, and out of place. she wasnt like teh adult world, she just wanted to be happy and have fun. and thats what i needed. but look what i got instead, my heart is cut open and its bleeding. i dont know when i stopped breathing but i need to get some oxygen and fresh air because i dont know where to go. so i need YOU to pull me out of this hole and take me to a better place where i can see a tomorrow cuz my demons keep pulling me down like gravity. i need to get out this nightmare before someone gets hurt because of me and before i wont be able to get back up again. kimmy said she would be there for me when i needed it...i need her now but shes not here for me. so justin its up to you, pull me out, youre the only one whos ever stayed true. i miss you bro, i hope you move in soon.

justin. youre the closest friend i ever had. and i thank God everyday that i met you. so tahnks for everything. youre the best.

this blog felt more like a rap to me or a poem. i felt like i was rhyming the entire time....idk why....lately i just have been listening to a lot of rap. so yea, a lot of sad rap.... justin, i hope i get the chance to show you this one day. im weird....lol but thats jsut the way it is. and because i was trying to rhyme it felt like i got u and kimmy confused...lol but yea. dw bout it. you know what i mean man. but mi dead serious, move in ASAP. i need to talk to you man. i need someone to talk to....so bad.