one of those days

have you ever had one of those days where you just missed someone you care about so much that all you wanna do is cry but you cant because you dont want your family to see? so you go into the shower and cry until you cant cry anymore? shes been there. now i have been there. i had one of those days. she felt this way when i left her and went to new york. but i came back right? now its switched around...the only difference is...she never came back. and like she said, she never will. i hope when she told me that her fingers were crossed behind her back...i promised you i would come back. thats what the necklace was for. remember? it was a promise that i would come back. and i did. thats why i was at her window the night before i left and a day after she and i broke up. i wanted to comfort her and tell her i would always be there for her. thats what it meant. i didnt want to break up the first time...i felt forced to. the second time i wanted it though....she had become a different person. she said it was because i hurt her. i dont know how. i told her i would come back. she was the first girlfriend i truly truly cared about. it felt like my first relationship so of course i will make mistakes. and she knew that.

then time went on....her old self came back but she didnt want me. and now im gone. i miss her so much. i miss her more then anything. and i keep blogging hoping that she might read one of these one day cuz i cant freakin talk to her in real life cuz she wont let me! you know how much that hurts? not being able to talk to someone you love. i was romeo, you were juliet. how can i live without my Juliet?

eating the jam she gave me

last christmas she gave me a variety pack of jam wrapped in tinfoil. i remmeber i got a lot of presents but i was excited to open hers the most so i saved it for last. she told me to wait until christmas to open it and i obeyed. you see, at the time idont think she realized i had a crush on her. then i unwrapped the tinfoil. "what the hell is this? JAM???" lol what was i supposed to with that? i spent the rest of christmas trying to figure out what it meant....i later discovered that you gave everyone random gifts. and i admired her for that. she actually gave ALL her friends gifts. haha shes a really sweet person. anyways....even though the jam had no origninal meaning i think i found out today what it represents. i just finished eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich made from the jam she gave me..it was good. i now realized that i was the jelly and she was the peanut butter. the variety in jam represents my personality. that christmas present that she gave me was the first time she made me feel special. the second she gave me that present she had me forever and she knew i wouldnt let go. now im here...eating this jam...and all i can do is think of her...how sad right?

LOLOL i cant stop thinking about it. youre such a funny person...tinfoil for gift wrapping? these stupid little things that you did are the things i miss the most and remember the most about you. man im tearing up as i type this out. lol man....i miss her. funny thing is....i think sometimes i know what shes feeling. sometimes i just feel it...and i know she misses me sometimes too. its a weird feeling but i can feel it.

just the way you are!

doode i love this song by bruno mars! look at the lyrics. made me reminesce. its like bruno mars knows exactly what i felt!HAAHAHA reminds me of her so bad. if i could put a song together for her it would look like this



Oh her eyes, her eyes
Make the stars look like they're not shining
Her hair, her hair
Falls perfectly without her trying

She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Yeah I know, I know
When I compliment her
She wont believe me
And its so, its so
Sad to think she don't see what I see

But every time she asks me do I look okay
I say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

Her lips, her lips
I could kiss them all day if she'd let me
Her laugh, her laugh
She hates but I think its so sexy

....if perfects what youre searching for then just stay the same....

Julian Lin and kites...

Today i woke up....and i looked myself in the mirror and smiled really big. i swear....it didnt look like me. haha it looked like someone else i really cared about. but yea...made me miss her. i woke up early today so i could go to the baptism at my dads church

its a t a place called cyote point. my dad holds the baptism in the ocean...not like HOC 5's swimming pool one. the water is really gross though. but the baptism feels so much more authentic and majestic when its done in the ocean or a lake. it was a beautiful sight to see those people get baptized. Even though there was only three people who got baptized...i was happy. better then none right?

anyways...its a n annual tradition at my dads baptism to fly kites. i have flown kites there since i was 9....and im the best one at it. im not trying to brag...but im the one who always had to set it up and run the kites. so i understood how to fly it. so i got really good at it cuz ppl would get tired of flying it for so long. these kites are HUGE. they are meant for kite surfing so they can pick people up and drag them. so you need a lot of control. anyways...i was surprised to see kimmys dad at the batpizm. at first i thought he was going to get baptized but he came to just participate in the event which is just as good! afterwards....i found out his name was Julian! thats sooo cool! i never knew that! HAHA well anyways....my dad wanted to fly the kite after i flwe it around for like 2 hours with my best friend kevin. i was happy kevin could come! then he asked Julian or Mr. Lin to join him. I wish you were there to see it!!!

two workaholic dads who are geniuses and super asian....all of a sudden become kids again. give two dads a kite and they become kids again. they were both laughing their heads off and running around. it was so great. they had a lot of fun. i never knew my dad was such good friends with Julian. my dad calls him JULIAN!!! thats CRAZY! my dad never calls people by their first name usually. i was very surprised. i wish she came with her dad though! really would like to see her again and she wouldve loved it....i know she loves the water and all she loves eating food. there was a lot of food. and i wish she came to fly some kites with her dad! it was a great day today....my sister hannah came back today! shes moving back in....and she was crying. she misses her friends alot. its so sad to see her cry...

sometimes i wish we could be like kites too and just fly away...and be free.

why do i still blog?

no one reads it....and my feelings arent taht important.

i guess i still blog every once in a while because i know she still reads it.

i thought senior year was supposed to be the best year right? it dont feel so hot right now.

days

some days i miss you

most days im fine without you

no day yet has not happened where i did not have at least one thought about you

other days i daydream about what youre thinking and what i can do to make up for my mistakes

some of the other days i am glad you and i never worked out

but most of the other days i just wondered what could have been

and not a day goes by in which i dont think about the mistakes i made. i could list them for you….but man….if i did…then i would hold the record for the longest blog ever written in the Guinness Book of World Records.

so all i can say is…I AM SORRY FOR EVERYTHING. i am truly and genuinely sorry. and yes….i am happy without you. and no, i do not want to be happy. because then that means that i really didnt need you.

overall things have been fine….its been days since we really talked. and even more days since we hung out. i wish days were seconds so time wouldnt go by so slow. im just glad that youre happy….i guess tahts the reason why i can be happy right now. im happy because youre happy, even if your happiness is not the direct result of me. at least i made you happy for a while right? because youre happy,i can be happy. and thats what i actually do need….just for you to be happy. thats all i need and its all i want....

justin

yo justin this post is for you. when i first met you i thought you were scary.i thought you were too cool for me. hey, i guess it turned out we became the best of friends. most would argue more then friends, in fact some say we are brothers. and thats why i say it loud and clear that im proud to open my house to you. my house aint the best and it means the world to me that youre coming to live under my house not because the way it looks or for how nice it is but for the people in it. i respect you in more ways then one. and i cant wait for all the fun that we'll have and the deep convos that will happen. lately, i have been needing someone to talk to. youre the only one i talk to about my problems. and with things so bad with me and kimmy, damn...i wish you were here. i really wish you were here. i hate how i got nothing better to do so think about her. when you were around all i wanted to do was hang out with you and not kimmy. and now yall are both gone so i gots no one. and my family isnt enuff right now because theyre too busy with their own worlds. i miss you justin, i miss you like a brother. cuz im dying and sadly no one would undersatnd it better then you. you knew me better and were there for me more then kimmy ever was. i just wanted to make things okay with her and now i think i gone crazy cuz i feel like i hate her. and i hate this feeling cuz i dont wanna hate her. im goin back on my word from the promise that i made to God that i would never hate a soul. so i wont go back on my word, but i pray that you will move in soon. until then i still wont wake up till noon. i just keep sleeping cuz i feel like i got nothing else to do....and i feel worthless. i need to talk to you. kimmy makes me seem like the enemy and it kills me because no ones on my side and for a while you werent on my side eitehr. you were on kimmys..."just get over her sam, she wants it too." i understand that part. but the fact is she gave up on me and she said she wouldnt and she said we'd be friends and she left me. and i feel so alone right now, i wish i could talk to you now. but your fone is getting cancelled and your focusing on holly right now. and thats cool. im happy that youre together. shes a good girl. and youre a good guy. you belong together. you and i was supposed to go on double dates with kimmy and holly and i, remember? but i guess taht wont happen cuz kimmy wants nothing of me. i wish i could talk to you.

but above all i wish i could be there for you. i know youre stressin with your mom and your dad and your family out in albany. and after all you done for me i feel bad cuz i cant be there for you right now. and its sad, because youre my bro yet i cant be tehre for you even when you need me. so i cant wait till you move in so i can help you. i miss the old days where we would kick it and didnt have to worry about the worlds opinions. but now im stuck with all the drama and the clique backstabbing words of my ex. which hurts like you wouldnt believe. i wish i could talk to someone about how i feel, see that used to be kimmy but she wont listen. at least i kno when i talk to you that you will take it in and you will try to help me. and i need that right now. help. i want to be her friend. and you are my best friend. and i just wish you were here right now cuz doode i feel so alone. you were always my role model and im sorry if i hurt you cuz i never meant to.

i guess what im trying to say is that im heartbroken. and i just need someone to talk to because no ones here for me. i try so hard to forget her taht i can feel blood rushing through my veins. and my veins feel like tehre gonna pop. think about holly and how much youre in love, now imagine her completely cutting you off and treating you like a rock. she ignores you and then she leads you on. its a viscious cycle and it never ends till she says "the END". now im sitting here in my room holding the boook she let me borrow called purity. i try to read it but i cant, see its what she stole from me. its whati stole from her and its time i give it back. its time i give her back her purity. its time i give her back this damn book thats been haunting me. she let me borrow it because she knew i needed it, but it just sat on my desk like a lamp staring at me gathering up dust. it was the light but i didnt want to look up at the light because i knew thered' be demons i had to fight. and i couldnt face my demons because they was too strong and now im covered tears soaking wet in sweat. i look up and all i see her. the lust is gone and so are the demons. and whats left of her is her beautiful smile. do you get what im saying? im still in love with her. them, what do you expect of me when i fall in love. im gonna give that person my all whether they are tall or if they're small. i gave kimmy my all and it felt like only a few seconds before she started ignoring me and avoiding me. you see shes too young, she doesnt know how to talk it out. she doesnt kno how to listen which is why here mom goes insane. i told her jsut let me talk, and she said, no i dont wanna hear it i kno what youre gonna say. and i said alrigth fine then i wont say it. i was weak. i didnt want to hurt her. i jsut wanted to give to her everything she wanted and i wanted to tell her how much i loved her and all i knew that she left me to do was to say not how i felt but show it. and thats what i did...i showed it everyday but it still wasnt enuff to make her stay. holding taht jacket she gave me in my hands with my stains on it and wow it trips me out. i cant believe i let myself do that to her. i see the shirt she bought me and i cant wear it because its like when i wear it shes clawing at my back so i gotta take it off because i just cant stop thinking about her. and its driving me crazy because i need someone to talk to and get it all straight but you arent here right now so i gotta blog it all out. maybe ill show you this later and maybe ill even read it out loud. i know you care about holly so dont back out now. show her how you feel. cuz i know holly wont cut you off like kimmy did, why? cuz shes more mature. and im not trying to diss kimmy, hell she will even admit it. and i dont feel bad for saying it beacuse thats why i loved her in the first place. she was young, naive, and out of place. she wasnt like teh adult world, she just wanted to be happy and have fun. and thats what i needed. but look what i got instead, my heart is cut open and its bleeding. i dont know when i stopped breathing but i need to get some oxygen and fresh air because i dont know where to go. so i need YOU to pull me out of this hole and take me to a better place where i can see a tomorrow cuz my demons keep pulling me down like gravity. i need to get out this nightmare before someone gets hurt because of me and before i wont be able to get back up again. kimmy said she would be there for me when i needed it...i need her now but shes not here for me. so justin its up to you, pull me out, youre the only one whos ever stayed true. i miss you bro, i hope you move in soon.

justin. youre the closest friend i ever had. and i thank God everyday that i met you. so tahnks for everything. youre the best.

this blog felt more like a rap to me or a poem. i felt like i was rhyming the entire time....idk why....lately i just have been listening to a lot of rap. so yea, a lot of sad rap.... justin, i hope i get the chance to show you this one day. im weird....lol but thats jsut the way it is. and because i was trying to rhyme it felt like i got u and kimmy confused...lol but yea. dw bout it. you know what i mean man. but mi dead serious, move in ASAP. i need to talk to you man. i need someone to talk to....so bad.